Tired but can't sleep
Got a lot on my mind.
I feel like I'm regressing more than progressing. I'm frustrated by who I am, and even more frustrated by who I'm not. I dont want to fix it anymore. I dont want to fix anything anymore. Why am I always trying to fix it? I feel like the majority of the relationships in my life I've had and sustained where due to me trying to fix something I messed up. A promise I broke, a double cross, something hurtful, cheating, a nasty glance, all of it. I spend the rest of the relationship trying to undo something I did. I can't tell if its because I cant forgive myself for being a terrible person or if I dont feel forgiven by the offended. As much as I try to be a good person as much as I try to fix all the problems I still end up stepping on somebodys toes, or inadvertently pissing somebody off, and I dont know how to deal with that anymore. No matter what I do I get yelled at. Why is everybody yelling at me? I get to this point and can only consider myself a failure and thus must fail with the intent to fail, which hurdles me into another offense, but this time it stings more because it was somewhat intentional....That only puts me back to square one where I feel terrible for doing something offensive. I'm not trying to blame anyone for my twisted sense of relationship, I am who I am...I'm trying to change, and I don't like being me right now, though that might change. But the change most likely wouldnt be for my personal benefit...change that would make me into a better person, no if i am to change and you are to notice it its probably only because I am trying to portray myself in a way that you will find more pleasing, not necessarily a way that benefits me, personally, any better.
It would all be so much easier if someone just told me what to do. I can do that, I can follow an order, carry out a command. I can be the guy that gets a job done. I can be a robot. But then that takes out the greatest gift of all, free will. Greatest gift. Bah. Free will has only shown me how much I can mess things up. In the game of choice I tend to carry out the option that best affects me, not the one that best affects everyone. When given the option I'm more likely to choose immediate gratification over long term well being.
And all of this, I hate it... I hate every bit of it.
I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to not do everything I do. Let me hold my breath and once again sabotage myself a little further. I'm on the edge of setting myself up for dissaster, sweet disappointment you're becoming like second nature. Push them all far enough away and eventually they will turn and again you'll be left with nothing and no one and we will start the cycle with a new city.
I hate it.
A good 6 month friend.
Thats about all I am.
6 months, theres nothing really past that, its just all starts repeating. By month 7 I will start telling the same stories I did when we first met. Cook the same meals, fall into the same tragedies, get hung up on the same issues.
Because
I
don't know how to
change
Sorry
and Sorry in advance
I feel like I'm regressing more than progressing. I'm frustrated by who I am, and even more frustrated by who I'm not. I dont want to fix it anymore. I dont want to fix anything anymore. Why am I always trying to fix it? I feel like the majority of the relationships in my life I've had and sustained where due to me trying to fix something I messed up. A promise I broke, a double cross, something hurtful, cheating, a nasty glance, all of it. I spend the rest of the relationship trying to undo something I did. I can't tell if its because I cant forgive myself for being a terrible person or if I dont feel forgiven by the offended. As much as I try to be a good person as much as I try to fix all the problems I still end up stepping on somebodys toes, or inadvertently pissing somebody off, and I dont know how to deal with that anymore. No matter what I do I get yelled at. Why is everybody yelling at me? I get to this point and can only consider myself a failure and thus must fail with the intent to fail, which hurdles me into another offense, but this time it stings more because it was somewhat intentional....That only puts me back to square one where I feel terrible for doing something offensive. I'm not trying to blame anyone for my twisted sense of relationship, I am who I am...I'm trying to change, and I don't like being me right now, though that might change. But the change most likely wouldnt be for my personal benefit...change that would make me into a better person, no if i am to change and you are to notice it its probably only because I am trying to portray myself in a way that you will find more pleasing, not necessarily a way that benefits me, personally, any better.
It would all be so much easier if someone just told me what to do. I can do that, I can follow an order, carry out a command. I can be the guy that gets a job done. I can be a robot. But then that takes out the greatest gift of all, free will. Greatest gift. Bah. Free will has only shown me how much I can mess things up. In the game of choice I tend to carry out the option that best affects me, not the one that best affects everyone. When given the option I'm more likely to choose immediate gratification over long term well being.
And all of this, I hate it... I hate every bit of it.
I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to not do everything I do. Let me hold my breath and once again sabotage myself a little further. I'm on the edge of setting myself up for dissaster, sweet disappointment you're becoming like second nature. Push them all far enough away and eventually they will turn and again you'll be left with nothing and no one and we will start the cycle with a new city.
I hate it.
A good 6 month friend.
Thats about all I am.
6 months, theres nothing really past that, its just all starts repeating. By month 7 I will start telling the same stories I did when we first met. Cook the same meals, fall into the same tragedies, get hung up on the same issues.
Because
I
don't know how to
change
Sorry
and Sorry in advance
posted by Its not about Perfection, Its about Progress at 1:12 AM
3 Comments:
So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
Romans 8:31-39 (The Message)
God specializes in change, but He only works from the inside out - We tend to work from the outside in. Inside you is a foundation of the very rock of the revalation of the living God - Look to the rock. More revalation of Him will produce more change from the inside out.
You can load up a donkey in Topeka Kansas and ship it to Richmond Virginia and when you unload it the other end you still have a donkey. Only a personal encounter with the Living God can change the nature of things (the inside stuff).
I used to be afraid of people that had a close relasionship with God, I thought that they were bainwashed - now I'm looking to get my brain washed up a bit from all the lies and untruths I operated (and still operate at times)out of.
Let God inside first, then change will come - you cant change yourself first and get there.
Let go and let God!
He knows your heart and He knows the count of every tear that your pillow has caught while crying out to Him for more.
Love Dad
Answers are found in experience not books.
Start doing.
Glorious humanity is in our choices and not in blind acceptance of another's diction.
Own your decisions of the moment and there cannot be regret.
Take one last deep breath...and grow up.
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