Starting fresh in November

I love the honesty in the responses people post anonymously to my posts. Im not being sarcastic at all. I took offense initially, but I need to hear some of these things. And sometimes I need to hear them bluntly. So much has gone on in the past month, but particularly the thing that has really changed me has been my grandmother's death. 

Grandma died on Friday night, November 2nd. I got a call at work around noon that I needed to get to CT, she was in the hospital and the doctors didn't think she'd make it through the night. My sister was frantically filling me in on the details of what had happened. 

You see, a few months prior she had open heart surgery. Something was wrong with a valve or something like that. It was a bit of a scare and I was able to make it down there and see her after the surgery....now that I think about it, that was the last time I saw her alive. So she was having a hard time recovering from the surgery, she was on oxygen and went through therapy at a convalescent home. After a month or so they let her go back home and a house nurse checked up on her every weekday. She couldn't do anything that put stress on her heart, not even pick up her own great grandkids. She was slipping into a depression because she hated her quality of life. The doctors put her on some antidepressants, but the pills didn't help much.  

Thursday night Grandma got out of bed in the middle of the night to get something and she fell. Grandpa tried to help her up, but he couldn't. He tried lifting her up, but he couldn't. So he made a bed there on the floor and the last night they shared together, they shared it on the floor of the bedroom, together. 

In the morning Grandpa called Aunt Kathy to see if she could come help with Grandma. Aunt Kathy called 911 and had the ambulance come get her. They weren't there for long before the doctors decided to go in for emergency surgery. They said she fell because she was dehydrated and became dizzy. I don't know how that relates to emergency surgery but her stomach was turning septic and they said they needed to go in prevent further infection. 

She was in surgery for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon. The doctors said her systems where shutting down. I was on the road at this point, left work and rented a car. The family was in a room at the hospital trying to decide if they want to pull the lug or not. Grandpa kept saying I cant make that decision, Peg, you make make that decision. Not more than a few minutes in, a nurse interrupted the meeting saying "you should come now...right now." So they all went into her room and just as the last person entered, her heart monitor stopped. Grandpa just looked around the room and threw up his arms. 

She can't be gone, I was supposed to go first, we always planned that I would be the first to go. I have no one left, all my brothers and sisters, and now my wife. Grandpa would mutter a lot more in a quiet raspy whisper. 

I got there about 2 hours after she passed. Mom and Dad where eating in the food court by the entrance and stopped me and filled me in. Dad had a hard time holding back the tears. We went up to see her and she didn't look much like herself.  They gave me some time alone with her.

I kept staring at her, waiting for her to breathe, waiting for the sheet to move, I kept thinking any second now, her chest will raise and fall. My mind was playing tricks on me. Nothing happened. She still had the lines on her face from where the oxygen rebreather was. She had gauze wadded up and shoved up her nose. It didn't look like her, but I could make out her features. 

It was hard.

The rest of the weekend I snapped into service mode. All I wanted to do was help out, in any way. Put aside all the differences in the family and help out. All of us cousins got together and made a huge collage of pictures of the whole family. It was beautiful. We showed Grandpa the day of the wake. I've never seen my grandpa cry before. There he was, staring at his dining room table full of pictures, crying. 

The wake was rough. Four hours of standing meeting people I know I'm related to but have never met. It was sometime around mid-wake when I realized my attitude was different. I wasn't taking every opportunity I got to leave. I wasn't crawling out of my skin. I realized I wasn't there for my own comfort. I was there for my dad. I was there for grandpa. I was there for grandma. I made this realization and quickly returned to my father's side. It seemed like the more people he met the more choked up he became. But I really felt that he was proud of me for being there, proud of me for caring about it all. 

My whole outlook on family changed in that moment. It made me appreciate the family that I have, and I realized I don't go to family functions so that I can meet people I've never met, or so that I can ask them boring questions about there life. No, I go so that they can know me. Its not for me, its for them. Grandma's wake was for grandpa, it was for dad, it wasnt for me.  I suddenly felt extremely selfish and decided that from now on I will always see family differently. 

Which brought me to a new discovery. 

Grandpa has been a huge example to me on how a man should live. I'm learning how to live more humbly. To serve people whole heartedly, especially when I dont want to. To appreciate the things I have and the people around me. 

Theres so much.

So much has changed. 

In one months time I feel like I have grown so much. 

Thank you for your comments.

Thank you for your honesty.

keep it comin :)