I hijacked my sisters computer!!!
So my computer decided to blow up, not sure whats goin on, but i think i need to reformatt. Serves me right for getting a pc. Other cool news, the well was awsome, david pierce is comin down this saturday then we are back on. Enough about me, lets talk Jesus.
Actually, I was thinking a lot about concepts. Why we do the things we do, what is the drive, the justification? all that. I wrote an email to a friend who is not sure they want to come to Jesus. This friend said it was fun living in sin and the idea of going to heaven sounds great and all but it doesnt help them now in their current situation. So I got to thinking.
First of all lets just clarify, we all want to sin. Why? Its fun, it feels good, its irresponsible, go ahead, name a few. Pretty easy huh? We can think of thousands of reasons why to sin. So why not sin? For most people in the world they are under this preconcieved notion of the church and christianity that as long as they dont kill anyone they will go to heaven. Well thats all fine and dandy but what about the satanists, they havent killed anyone. Shall they go to heaven too? Many people believe that the only reason not to sin is to get into heaven. Don't get me wrong, heaven sounds great and I can't wait to get there, but theres soooo much more to it then that. The absence of sin isn't hell insurance. One cannot bargain sin for time in pergitory. You can't say "Oooo.....I think I'm going to sin now, so I better make sure I counter act my sin with a good deed or legnthy prayer." Not how it works. People have tried to formulate a devine system of checks and balances so that when they do sin, they can light a candle, or say 10 thousand hail mary's and all is well. But thats missing the point.
So the first thing we really need to realize is that everyone has a desire to sin. Even Paul, the man who wrote %75 of the new testament struggled with sin. He says in Romans 7:
13Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. 14For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So to put the issue of sin to the side for a second, lets think.
Selfishness is justified by self-preservation. In this world, particularly this generation. We seem to have been brought up on the "Army of one" attitude. Take care of number one and thats all that matters. I never used to care about wars in other countries, world hunger, poverty, global worming. These were all issues that didn't affect me. Why? I was only worried about things that directly influenced my life. Keep pushing...I was only concearned with things that I could use, either people, resources, personal gain. Everything in my life was centered around me. And it aught to. right?
no
I ended up using people for their talents, losing friends because i no longer got what I wanted from them, and put people down to lift myself up. Its wrong. I was wrong.
Looking even deeper, I find it safe to assume that the basis of my entire selfish was based around three principles. The first of these 3 principles is pain. I had a lot of pain. Growing up as the fat ugly dorky kid with glasses didn't help my fragile ego as a 5 year old. As far back as I can remember kids made fun of me and tormented me in school. Coming home was not much better, my father was an alcoholic who I could run circles around verbally by the time I was 10. My mother did an excellent job of wearing those rose collored glasses and sweeping all confrontation under the carpet. It hurt. I felt alone, and left out of everything...even my family. Years of enduring this pain, wearing a mask as a front, pretending it never bothered me, broke me. I decided not to let people hurt me anymore. We have a saying in New York City "You can't be afraid of the other drivers on the road if you're the craziest one". So when I had entered my junior year of high school, now transfered from the old, I decided to be someone else. Someone less vulnerable.
It never worked, but I'm not one to quit. I tried to be tough. I tried to act like a bad ass. But i hated getting in trouble. Eventually that stoped mattering so much and by the time I was a freshman in college I had been to prison, twice. Theres another saying I've heard tossed around AA circles "Fake it till ya make it". "IT" works both ways. So by this time,my pain had started out as small cuts and scraped that would eventually turn into life threatening wounds.
Trouble seemed to find me very well in those days. So I quit/was removed from college. All i was doing was making my wounds worse and worse. I tried everything I could think of to dull the pain. Alcohol, Sex, Drugs, money, power, whatever. I'd try it. Its like putting a bandaid on someone who just had open heart surgery....just doesn't work....even if you have 10 thousand bandaids.
Pain. I am no stranger to pain. I've got lots of tattoos and will probably get more,(for different reasons now). I had no understanding of how to process pain, how to deal with it, How to heal it.
The second principle I found I was searching for was Love. Now looking back and being able to see my history, dad was at the bar, mom was covering for him, led to a tough love environment. And for a kid in as much pain as I was in, tough love felt more like tough unlove. Its easy to see how I chased after love with every girl I've been with. Each time I wondered if she was the one. I wanted to be loved and to love more than anything. But I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know how to love. I didnt know how to recieve love. So when I lost my virginity I said to myself "This must be love". Sex is not love. Sex is Sex. Sex without Love only leads to more pain. When you think that sex is love, and therefore you must be in love, it is very easy for heartbreak. And there will be heartbreak. I felt it deep within my soul. Probably one of the few times I recognized I had a soul, how much it hurt. The word heart ache isnt enough to describe it.
I wasn't only looking for love in girls. I had built a family around of people that I cared most about. There were 4 or 5 of us that always stuck together. Thick and thin through and through. These were my boys, and I was one of their boys. These guys became what I knew as family. I felt loved by them and I loved them. That was all fun and good until everyone started going their seperate ways. One joined the navy, one went to college, one found another family. Eventually I found myself with no one. alone.again. This false sense of family had no weight to it. We all said we would always be there for each other. But what we really meant is we would be there as long as it was convienient. When things really got down to the wire, we all new is was always about saving your own neck.
Even then. After I had the girl, and the family, I felt like I wanted to be loved by everyone. I had a kingdom, and I was the ruler. I was the manager of the club, the godfather, the crimelord, I was the man. Everyone who came in that club new who I was. Everyone knew my name. I was a sovergn king. I could walk in the mall and be recognized, I was a local legend. People still talk about the person I was. I had it all....it was all a house of cards. Everything I had wasnt grounded to anything solid. It all droped on top of me and crushed me.
The last of these three principles is Fear. Fear is absolutly the most malicious out of these three. Fear casued me to be waery of my pain and hence change who I was in High school. Fear of never being love made me rush into relationships. Fear made me taylor my personality to fit that of others. Fear made me lie to myself and everyone I knew. Fear.
Now when I say fear made me, Im not blaming, nor shifting responsibility for my actions. But I was so afraid of all the "what ifs". I didnt want to risk it. Fear of rejection, fear of getting too close, fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment.
My mind was full of "what will they think of me if". Nearly everyt thought came into and out of my head with that pretext. The severe issues in my life arose when all three where bound together and I was the center of the bullseye. Dealing with trying to heal the pain, find the love, and rid myself of the fear.
pain
love
fear
this is why we sin
Actually, I was thinking a lot about concepts. Why we do the things we do, what is the drive, the justification? all that. I wrote an email to a friend who is not sure they want to come to Jesus. This friend said it was fun living in sin and the idea of going to heaven sounds great and all but it doesnt help them now in their current situation. So I got to thinking.
First of all lets just clarify, we all want to sin. Why? Its fun, it feels good, its irresponsible, go ahead, name a few. Pretty easy huh? We can think of thousands of reasons why to sin. So why not sin? For most people in the world they are under this preconcieved notion of the church and christianity that as long as they dont kill anyone they will go to heaven. Well thats all fine and dandy but what about the satanists, they havent killed anyone. Shall they go to heaven too? Many people believe that the only reason not to sin is to get into heaven. Don't get me wrong, heaven sounds great and I can't wait to get there, but theres soooo much more to it then that. The absence of sin isn't hell insurance. One cannot bargain sin for time in pergitory. You can't say "Oooo.....I think I'm going to sin now, so I better make sure I counter act my sin with a good deed or legnthy prayer." Not how it works. People have tried to formulate a devine system of checks and balances so that when they do sin, they can light a candle, or say 10 thousand hail mary's and all is well. But thats missing the point.
So the first thing we really need to realize is that everyone has a desire to sin. Even Paul, the man who wrote %75 of the new testament struggled with sin. He says in Romans 7:
13Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. 14For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So to put the issue of sin to the side for a second, lets think.
Selfishness is justified by self-preservation. In this world, particularly this generation. We seem to have been brought up on the "Army of one" attitude. Take care of number one and thats all that matters. I never used to care about wars in other countries, world hunger, poverty, global worming. These were all issues that didn't affect me. Why? I was only worried about things that directly influenced my life. Keep pushing...I was only concearned with things that I could use, either people, resources, personal gain. Everything in my life was centered around me. And it aught to. right?
no
I ended up using people for their talents, losing friends because i no longer got what I wanted from them, and put people down to lift myself up. Its wrong. I was wrong.
Looking even deeper, I find it safe to assume that the basis of my entire selfish was based around three principles. The first of these 3 principles is pain. I had a lot of pain. Growing up as the fat ugly dorky kid with glasses didn't help my fragile ego as a 5 year old. As far back as I can remember kids made fun of me and tormented me in school. Coming home was not much better, my father was an alcoholic who I could run circles around verbally by the time I was 10. My mother did an excellent job of wearing those rose collored glasses and sweeping all confrontation under the carpet. It hurt. I felt alone, and left out of everything...even my family. Years of enduring this pain, wearing a mask as a front, pretending it never bothered me, broke me. I decided not to let people hurt me anymore. We have a saying in New York City "You can't be afraid of the other drivers on the road if you're the craziest one". So when I had entered my junior year of high school, now transfered from the old, I decided to be someone else. Someone less vulnerable.
It never worked, but I'm not one to quit. I tried to be tough. I tried to act like a bad ass. But i hated getting in trouble. Eventually that stoped mattering so much and by the time I was a freshman in college I had been to prison, twice. Theres another saying I've heard tossed around AA circles "Fake it till ya make it". "IT" works both ways. So by this time,my pain had started out as small cuts and scraped that would eventually turn into life threatening wounds.
Trouble seemed to find me very well in those days. So I quit/was removed from college. All i was doing was making my wounds worse and worse. I tried everything I could think of to dull the pain. Alcohol, Sex, Drugs, money, power, whatever. I'd try it. Its like putting a bandaid on someone who just had open heart surgery....just doesn't work....even if you have 10 thousand bandaids.
Pain. I am no stranger to pain. I've got lots of tattoos and will probably get more,(for different reasons now). I had no understanding of how to process pain, how to deal with it, How to heal it.
The second principle I found I was searching for was Love. Now looking back and being able to see my history, dad was at the bar, mom was covering for him, led to a tough love environment. And for a kid in as much pain as I was in, tough love felt more like tough unlove. Its easy to see how I chased after love with every girl I've been with. Each time I wondered if she was the one. I wanted to be loved and to love more than anything. But I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know how to love. I didnt know how to recieve love. So when I lost my virginity I said to myself "This must be love". Sex is not love. Sex is Sex. Sex without Love only leads to more pain. When you think that sex is love, and therefore you must be in love, it is very easy for heartbreak. And there will be heartbreak. I felt it deep within my soul. Probably one of the few times I recognized I had a soul, how much it hurt. The word heart ache isnt enough to describe it.
I wasn't only looking for love in girls. I had built a family around of people that I cared most about. There were 4 or 5 of us that always stuck together. Thick and thin through and through. These were my boys, and I was one of their boys. These guys became what I knew as family. I felt loved by them and I loved them. That was all fun and good until everyone started going their seperate ways. One joined the navy, one went to college, one found another family. Eventually I found myself with no one. alone.again. This false sense of family had no weight to it. We all said we would always be there for each other. But what we really meant is we would be there as long as it was convienient. When things really got down to the wire, we all new is was always about saving your own neck.
Even then. After I had the girl, and the family, I felt like I wanted to be loved by everyone. I had a kingdom, and I was the ruler. I was the manager of the club, the godfather, the crimelord, I was the man. Everyone who came in that club new who I was. Everyone knew my name. I was a sovergn king. I could walk in the mall and be recognized, I was a local legend. People still talk about the person I was. I had it all....it was all a house of cards. Everything I had wasnt grounded to anything solid. It all droped on top of me and crushed me.
The last of these three principles is Fear. Fear is absolutly the most malicious out of these three. Fear casued me to be waery of my pain and hence change who I was in High school. Fear of never being love made me rush into relationships. Fear made me taylor my personality to fit that of others. Fear made me lie to myself and everyone I knew. Fear.
Now when I say fear made me, Im not blaming, nor shifting responsibility for my actions. But I was so afraid of all the "what ifs". I didnt want to risk it. Fear of rejection, fear of getting too close, fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment.
My mind was full of "what will they think of me if". Nearly everyt thought came into and out of my head with that pretext. The severe issues in my life arose when all three where bound together and I was the center of the bullseye. Dealing with trying to heal the pain, find the love, and rid myself of the fear.
pain
love
fear
this is why we sin
posted by Its not about Perfection, Its about Progress at 10:14 AM
3 Comments:
WOW, that was incredible. You are so real, so vulnerable, and so accurate. You have learned much in a short time. I'm sorry for your pain and that I failed you.
I enjoy reading your blog. Keep it coming.
who ever you are, you have not failed me. God has used every situation in my life for his glory. The Good, The Bad, The ugly. Sometimes I like to think of it like this, without the bitter, the sweet wouldn't be so sweet.
Once again, I say that you and I are on such simliar journeys - coming from different places, but God is bringing us to the same place. The thing about pain is so true - i absolutely empathize with it, and have experienced the exact same situation - I was reaching out to other men because of my pain - I was searching for love everywhere, and because I grew up as a fat awkward kid with a mentally ill mother and a "wear the rosy colored glasses" father, I married the first man I could find...spend over two years in a devastating realationship, and cheated my way out of it....and it was all because of the unresolved pain in my heart. But now God is showing me that pain - he's bringing it up, cleaning the wounds, and bringing me to wholeness and completion in Him. But the original thing you started talking about - why we sin - I think there are so many answers to that - you had it right - pain, and fear (I forgot the third) but sometimes it's also to numb what God is doing. When the Lord started bringing up a lot of my junk for healing, I felt I HAD to go out and sin just to numb the pain - and Satan gave me exacly what I wanted. we get stuck in the cycles. Your friend who feels that the sin is fun - that he would rather enjoy the here and now - probe him. make him face the reality of his here and now situation - like you were saying about the emptiness - it's there in all of us. Ask him about the voice that's been whispering his name, and ask him about that vague feeling he can't quite put his finger on..the one that says that there has to be something more to all of this...that he was destined for something more than the daily grind...ask him about that thing he was purposed to do.... that the Lord has birthed in his heart..."For the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable" (romans 11 something)
It's a struggle I'm sure you and I are both familiar with. But take heart my friend, because he would not even be having the struggle if the Lord were not calling Him and drawing Him.
Post a Comment
<< Home