Perpetual Preparation

How long would you wait for something? One year? Two? A lifetime?

There are some times when I feel like I've been preparing all my life for something else to happen. As you may have read earlier in the blog I have had some rather extreme tendencies about my personality that makes it difficult for me to focus on "right now". But really, I'm not even sure what it is that I'm preparing for. 

I'm at this point in my life where I could do just about anything. I've got a good job, and I could transfer to any state in the union. There isn't much I can't fix or figure out, I love learning, I love experiencing new things. So what do I do with all these years?

There's something I don't understand about the education structure here in the states. Do we only offer decent educations to people with decent economic backgrounds to pay for them? Sure I did the work full time/community college full time, but how many people can keep that up over 2 years? 4 years? 

I've been thinking a lot lately about seminary, and there is basically no way I can afford to go unless I get paid to go to grad school. I-who has no undergrad- am on the last rung of that ladder. Now hold on a minute, you may say. Schools offer full rides all the time, you should just apply and give it a shot....

Keep in mind, I probably will at least apply and see who I can speak to about financial aid, but schools don't seem to offer pity scholarships. Schools make smart investing scholarships. They will invest the full ride in someone who has the potential to become something great and give back that money. 

Even if I did get a full ride and could afford to pay that money back, I'd spend it elsewhere. The Education system has far to much money for a system that should be continuously socialized from grade 1 to post grad. I'd spend that money in developing countries who have no clean water, people who have no food.... babies who have no clothes. 

-steps off soap box-

Really though. I made a good amount of bad decisions from the time I was 18 to 21. I came back to CT before I turned 22. I'm still paying for those mistakes. I still am paying off credit cards and student loans. Three years of decisions is going to cost how many years of payment? I'm 24 now and I still won't have it all payed off in the next 5 years, save divine intervention. 

The weight of debt can be so draining.

I'm done complaining now, back to the what should I do next thing....

So like I said, I could do anything, seminary, move to california, get a recording studio started again, go back to school and learn micro economic development in 3rd world countries, YWAM DTS.....and I'm starting to get a little freaked out by all those decisions. 

One thing has changed lately. I might still get freaked out, but at least I'm not rushing to jump to irrational conclusions about who I will now be that I'm not, or what I will now do that I shouldn't. And thats a bit of relief.