rochacha
Weekend trip to Rochester went well. Its about a 6 hour ride up there, I did the whole thing in silence. No music, no radio, just thinking. 6 hours up, 6 hours down, and all the time in between. thinking. I think a lot about what is right and what is wrong. I think I get too wrapped up in it. I think up until recently I have never really decided what I thought was right or wrong, I just took little bits from what other people told me was right and wrong. I never really picked it apart before.
Looking into it, I never decided one way or another because that would ultimately mean that I have made a decision based on my opinion and I dont do that very often. I usually make decisions based on what I think other peoples opinions are. Its easier to tailor my opinions to other peoples than to risk other people not liking me because of my opinion. If I dare be myself, then theres more of a chance people won't like that.
It bleeds into personality, I am less me when you are here. I am not who you think I am.
So I thought about it and decided to change that. I want to decide what is right, and act on it. I want to decide what is wrong, and part from it. If you don't like me because of what I think then you never liked me to begin with.
No matter how hard I try I can't shake this like me, love me. We are social creatures in the worst way. Theres no such thing as I don't care. Push it down where no one can see it, bring it up when no ones around. Thats healthy. Its encouraged! Its wrong.
Be more you when I'm around, I care more about you and less about you trying to be what I like. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be around. care. I do. I know you do. Don't tell me you don't. Pull it up, deal with it, its hard but it will make you stronger.
Looking into it, I never decided one way or another because that would ultimately mean that I have made a decision based on my opinion and I dont do that very often. I usually make decisions based on what I think other peoples opinions are. Its easier to tailor my opinions to other peoples than to risk other people not liking me because of my opinion. If I dare be myself, then theres more of a chance people won't like that.
It bleeds into personality, I am less me when you are here. I am not who you think I am.
So I thought about it and decided to change that. I want to decide what is right, and act on it. I want to decide what is wrong, and part from it. If you don't like me because of what I think then you never liked me to begin with.
No matter how hard I try I can't shake this like me, love me. We are social creatures in the worst way. Theres no such thing as I don't care. Push it down where no one can see it, bring it up when no ones around. Thats healthy. Its encouraged! Its wrong.
Be more you when I'm around, I care more about you and less about you trying to be what I like. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be around. care. I do. I know you do. Don't tell me you don't. Pull it up, deal with it, its hard but it will make you stronger.
posted by Its not about Perfection, Its about Progress at 12:33 AM
3 Comments:
Letting myself be me no matter who I am around is something that I am just now learning... It it is rather freeing though...
I don't know for sure, because I am not you, so I don't exactly know how I came across when you and Jon were down here, but I don't think that I was really myself. (Which I hope is not a scary thing for you, in case you thought that I was already weird, I promise the weirdness level does not increase.) Seriously though, I tend to be more quiet and not so much the real Tatum when I am at the Thrash's house... Mainly becuase it is amazing for me to see a family that can actually live together, get along, for the most part, and love eachother. Not a superficial, only show it when other people are around us kind of love, but real love, a love that counts. That is phenomonal for me. It seriously blows my mind. So I have a tendency to want to just sit back and soak it all in.
But I realized a couple months ago that the Tatum I was being around people, was mainly the Tatum that people expected me to be. Very few people are truly comfortable being around my spontanious, crazy kind of sense of humor self, and so very few people actually get to see it.
Well that should really be in the past tense... I am actually opening up around people, and showing them who Tatum really is. Not just when it comes to the sense of humor, but I refuse to be a role player. I am going to be myself, be a leader, not a follower/comformer, and not be the person that other people expect me to be. I want to be the person God created me to be.
That whole last paragraph that you wrote, about opening up and being willing to let others be themselve as well, that was amazing and a real eye opener. I realize that I have not really put alot of thought into that, so I have some praying/thinking to do when it comes to that.
But I guess this comment is turning into a book and I had better stop now.
Thanks for you honesty though, I appreciate it. Keep it up.
Vaya con Dios.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oh, and I was having a huge spiritual battle when you were down here abouts too... so that may explain part of it too (why I didn't think I was really being me around you)... I blogged about it, so I won't write you another book attempting to explain that too. lol
Post a Comment
<< Home