Genius
I get lonely, particularly after watching a rather touching movie, or after seeing young couples or something even slightly romantic. So I do the most terrible things to myself. I go online and I look for a wife. She might not know its her yet, but I'm sure in my state of mind that I'm going to find her on the internet. I start filling out these compatibility tests on like, eharmony or match.com. I'm not too sure if you've ever tried filling out one of these applications, but each one takes about an hour to fill out. Much to my disappointment the end result always comes out with "no compatible matches found, please try again soon". Most people would take that as a clue and just go to sleep, but no not me. I continue my destructive ideas and turn them from online dating sites to facebook, or myspace. I wizened up to myspace and deleted my account last week, so I'm only left with facebook now. Even then, I browse through the people who I have "most in common with" and come up with a girl in an alligator costume bent over blowing kisses to what seems to be a giant bottle of tequila. Usually my search ends there, but some nights I even go out of my way to craigslist, or some other classifieds ad site and post my own personal. Usually I just get slanderous mail back.
I find myself to be the most eccentric person I know. With all of my interests and my personality I find it hard to believe that God has the perfect match for me. I feel more like a fluke than an unfinished half. I am the how did we miss that one, not the I know just who to put you with. With all the battle going on in my head about God's love its hard not to think about romantic love as well. Have I ever been in love? I thought I was....twice. But I can't be sure. There was more sex than love, more codependency than caring, more I'll fix you less you complete me. I'm afraid of becoming another codependent person, or another person who's just fallen in love with love.
Indeed it is a lonely place here in my heart. Neither God nor man dare explore. How does one just get over it? I have a bottle of 20 little easy answers that will leave me unsatisfied.
Satisfaction.
Completion.
Acceptance
love me?
I find myself to be the most eccentric person I know. With all of my interests and my personality I find it hard to believe that God has the perfect match for me. I feel more like a fluke than an unfinished half. I am the how did we miss that one, not the I know just who to put you with. With all the battle going on in my head about God's love its hard not to think about romantic love as well. Have I ever been in love? I thought I was....twice. But I can't be sure. There was more sex than love, more codependency than caring, more I'll fix you less you complete me. I'm afraid of becoming another codependent person, or another person who's just fallen in love with love.
Indeed it is a lonely place here in my heart. Neither God nor man dare explore. How does one just get over it? I have a bottle of 20 little easy answers that will leave me unsatisfied.
Satisfaction.
Completion.
Acceptance
love me?
posted by Its not about Perfection, Its about Progress at 11:17 PM
2 Comments:
I was trying to comment - not sure if your e-mail address is current.I wanted to tell you also that when I did all that moving around that I was lost then. I was physically going somewhere else, but inside I was lost and everywhere I ended up that lost feeling came with me. I’m not saying that trying something new or moving is a bad thing. I believe that God is Always stretching us and causing us to rethink our thinking- because our thinking limits so much of what He really wants to do in and through us.
I guess what I’m saying is - if you don’t have a real peace in going it seldom shows up on arrival.
Alaska nearly killed me more than once and probably even more times than I know because I was so stupid about how I thought of things and acted out of my own stupidity. I don’t know of another time in my life where I felt more lost and I was right in the middle of some of the most beautiful country in the world. I really couldn’t take the time to enjoy it in that empty condition I was in.
It’s more important to be full of God and not of yourself then it is to be anywhere else. He can fill you with Himself anywhere and anytime your ready. All it takes a humble heart. I’m not saying that like I have that all nailed down myself. I’m still working on this also, but I do believe you have some years of advantage on me. And I also believe that you’re in a good place – a place where God favor is. I know God works though Wellspring and the leaders and pastors here, you cant say that about a lot of other churches. I wish I could have talked more real to you earlier about the things of God. There was just too much of the things of me in the way.
I want to encourage you to keep pressing into what God is doing in your life. God has a plan, learn to yield – Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path.
"I find myself to be the most eccentric person I know. With all of my interests and my personality I find it hard to believe that God has the perfect match for me. I feel more like a fluke than an unfinished half. I'm afraid of becoming another codependent person, or another person who's just fallen in love with love."
I feel the exact same way sometimes...but the right girl will bring out so much in you - you two will meld together in such an amazing way that you will think "only God could have foreseen that these ideisyncrasies (sp?)could have turned out to be the match for my lover"....
It's going to happen as you step into the ministry that God has for you to. All of the seemingly random things will all start to fit together as you step into the call that He has over your life. And She's going to be a part of that call....it's all going to fit together.
I feel your frustration though - those words I have typed above - I try to cling to them for myself, and then I date people and I'm like "this isn't the way it's supposed to be....he's supposed to LIKE my quirks, the things that make me uniquely me...not get annoyed by them"...then sometimes I think I romanticize things, and maybe I should just settle...but that's how I ended up in a dysfunctional marriage.
it's true about the short cuts - I want to be married as well. I want to be a mother, and a nurturing wife, I want to find a man whose pleasure is in meeting my needs as well....no such takers yet, so...I try to cling to the promises of God...and I try not to settle, and I try not to sulk.
huh...that probably wasn't very encouraging...but at least it wasn't annoyingly chipper...
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