Monotony has the best of me
Another day closer to getting the MRI. Tomorrow at 230pm I'll be under a giant magnet thats taking pictures of my knees. The idea of living with a disability isn't too exciting to me. I wish I had something more uplifting to talk about. I hate not being able to do anything about this situation. I can only hope that in my suffering somehow Christ is glorified. For that reason I should be happy, but I am selfish and proud. I hate my pride, I hate my self glorification. I pray that God would make his will clear to me.
I keep thinking about turning my back on Christ. Go back to my life of drinking, drugs, sex, immorality...I know that world. I am a god among men in that world. I do not know how to be humble, or patient. Its a struggle for me to want to be virtuous. I base everything I do off of emotion and feeling, not wisdom or knowledge.
But there is nothing left of that life in me. I said once that before God fills you up, He makes sure your empty. Empty indeed! For more than 30 days I have felt empty. I suppose all that I have left is hope.
Is hope such a bad thing? It seems foolish to hope. It seems unrealistic. But what else is there to hold on to? Certainly not drinking, drugs, nor sex. These are all just short cuts to a short happiness.
Something else to consider, when satan tempted Jesus, all three temptations where shortcuts to Christs calling. He went beyond what satan had asked him to do:
the rocks to bread-Jesus feeds 5000
Jump off the cliff and land safely-Jesus rises from the dead
Bow to me, and the world is yours-Jesus defeats death and takes the world
Satan tries at least 3 times to offer Christ a shortcut to glory.
The only other option I have other than following Christ is death. I'm not taking the shortcut of suicide. So I am only left with one option, grow with Christ, suffer with Christ, learn with Christ. In my abundant frustration I must hope. And if hope sounds foolish, then call me the king of the fools. I don't see anything else to hold on to, and no one can take away my hope.
I keep thinking about turning my back on Christ. Go back to my life of drinking, drugs, sex, immorality...I know that world. I am a god among men in that world. I do not know how to be humble, or patient. Its a struggle for me to want to be virtuous. I base everything I do off of emotion and feeling, not wisdom or knowledge.
But there is nothing left of that life in me. I said once that before God fills you up, He makes sure your empty. Empty indeed! For more than 30 days I have felt empty. I suppose all that I have left is hope.
Is hope such a bad thing? It seems foolish to hope. It seems unrealistic. But what else is there to hold on to? Certainly not drinking, drugs, nor sex. These are all just short cuts to a short happiness.
Something else to consider, when satan tempted Jesus, all three temptations where shortcuts to Christs calling. He went beyond what satan had asked him to do:
the rocks to bread-Jesus feeds 5000
Jump off the cliff and land safely-Jesus rises from the dead
Bow to me, and the world is yours-Jesus defeats death and takes the world
Satan tries at least 3 times to offer Christ a shortcut to glory.
The only other option I have other than following Christ is death. I'm not taking the shortcut of suicide. So I am only left with one option, grow with Christ, suffer with Christ, learn with Christ. In my abundant frustration I must hope. And if hope sounds foolish, then call me the king of the fools. I don't see anything else to hold on to, and no one can take away my hope.
posted by Its not about Perfection, Its about Progress at 10:44 PM
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