Thursday, May 17, 2007

can't sleep

Its only 11:08, but I have to be up at 5:30 am to work a job at the convention center...some event. The possibilities in Boston are on my mind nearly 24/7. I've pretty much made up my mind and plan on moving in on Sunday. Thats exciting and scary.

I've been reflecting a lot on the past semester, the past year even, so much has changed. Little did I know I'd wind up in Boston only two and a half years after I lived in New York. This summer is filled with opportunity and anticipation. I have no idea what I'm going to do for work yet, but I've managed to find myself in rather optimal settings more than once.

Finals are done now and I feel a strange disconnect with middlesex already. I didn't go out of my way to meet new people there, as a result I didn't know that many people there, but something about the past semester is already making me miss the place. I think middlesex put the spark of education back into my life...had I not attended, I doubt I'd be Boston bound.

I feel like I'm finally one the right track, whatever happens....I'm confident it will turn out ok. Thats a lot coming from someone who was ready to be done with it all only a few short months ago. I'm excited to step into my new life in Boston.
Pray that I find a job
Pray that my transition into Bunker Hill is smooth
Pray that things work out well with my new roommates

I can nearly taste it....

Monday, May 14, 2007

Ready for the summer

Gah... I'm so ready for summer. Recently I've had a lot on my plate in terms of decisions regarding the future. I'm not going to be working with Jon next semester which means I have to find a job. It also means I'm not totally tied to middlesex. Putting more and more thought into it, I feel like Boston might be a good place for me to call home for a while. The community college there, Bunker Hill, has classes that far surpass those at middlesex, and there are more great schools to choose from to transfer to after wards. Finding a job won't be hard, its the second biggest city on the northeast coast. It seems to make sense in general.

I phoned a friend about a place to stay for cheap and he was more than willing to take on a fourth roommate in the tiny one bedroom where he currently resides. Green light number one, I have a place to stay with good friends that will hold me accountable.

I think I've decided that whenever I do make it to an undergrad school I want to double major in both english and math. I'd love to be a writer, but not sure how good of one I'd be. So as a back up plan, I think I'll teach math. I've always done well with math, and I think I want to try and find a job as a tutor in math somewhere in the inner city. Green light number two would be finding a job like that.

So this week I'm wrapping up finals and next week I think I'll spend some serious time flooding the city with resumes and applications. On my "off" time this week I think I might type up some specific resumes.

The real thing I'm wrestling with is I want to do God's will in all this. Thats a hard thing to clarify sometimes. So like, I want to go to Boston and apply for jobs, but I'm not sure how often I should go up this summer. And, I still have that interview with ESPN. If it turns out Boston is a flop, I want to have the option to always turn to ESPN if I need to. So theres an indefinite window of time that either needs to be restricted or at least somewhat defined.

All in all, I'm very ready to start being Jon's friend again and not his employee. Our patients for each other is wearing thin. I've learned a lot this past semester, but I'm ready now to move on...I'm trying not to be bitter about things that have happened, but its hard while I'm still in the middle of it.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

reflection on the past weekend

I spent a good majority of this past weekend alone house sitting for the Colegroves, quasi moving in, slowly. I was able to really process some things that have been going on lately and came to a few interesting conclusions.

The first of which goes back to the idea of grace that I wrote about a while back. This seems to be an interesting topic, as it keeps coming up. Most recently I have discovered that my definition was incomplete. Grace is giving someone something they don't deserve, Mercy is not giving someone something they do deserve, and Forbearance is waiting with someone until they do get what they deserve.

Most recently my situation I had confused was regarding money. This person demanded my grace in this situation and I expressed that I could not possibly extend that grace because I had been relying on that money to come in. In this situation, grace would be for me to give that person as much as they owe me. Mercy would be to cancel the debt. Forbearance is waiting with that person until they can pay the debt.

This got me thinking about mercy in particular. Most recently I have been rather merciless with Jon because I want him to learn from his mistakes, take responsibility for his actions, heighten his awareness of how his decisions affect the people around him. The most basic way to do that in my mind is to set down some rules and consequences and when those rules are broken, enforce the consequences.

This can get a little difficult when working with a quadriplegic. It brings me back to my original concern that I want to be here to help him with his personal needs, but don't want to enable irresponsibility.

So I would point out all the good things I saw as well as all the bad things I saw. Except heres the thing. I have the ability to pull my emotions out of a situation and just look and the facts of that situation. By taking only the facts, it strips the situation of any good intentions or miscommunication and forces the person to look at the basic thing they have done. Unfortunately for me, this is a rather merciless way of going about it.

The Bible says speak the truth in love. I was very able to speak the truth, but by pulling out all emotions was not speaking the truth in love. This is just another exercise that emphasizes that love is more than just a feeling, its a choice. I was choosing to speak the truth, but not in love, and as consequence that truth wasn't taken properly. Jon couldn't see the meaning of my words because my words were yes very truthful, but also very harsh.

This now brings me to my next point. Sometimes mercy is not telling a person what they have done wrong. Sometimes if you can't speak the truth in love then its best not to speak. Sometimes the right thing to do is wait until you can speak the truth in love.
And thats hard.

To look at things objectively sometimes we do need to try and take our emotions out of the situation to decide right and wrong. I think its important once we have decided right or wrong to them put our emotions back into the situation to see how it plays out now with the added human element.

I have to admit, in much of my talks with Jon, I fooled myself into thinking that I pulled out all my emotions from the situation, but really there was always this undertone of pain that I wasn't fully paying attention to that was evident in my vitriolic vocabulary. It was because of this that the truth wasn't taken properly. For if it wasn't said in love, it might as well have not been said at all.