who's the real victim

I've said in the past that I set myself up for disaster. I think its because I know how to play the victim so well. In fact, I think I prefer to play the victim. I know how to victimize myself at the expense of someone else....the crazy thing is, I'll go to just about any length to accomplish this. I don't know where this comes from, but I think its something rather deep seeded. Looking at my current situation I could find it easy to victimize myself, alter a story here, stretch the truth there, and I could pull those heart strings to get just about anything I want. Somewhere along the path I've learned to play up disaster. And in the process I've become a liar and an arrogant asshole. 

My right hand was crushed in a hydraulic lift almost 3 years ago....but I changed the story to everyone I know. In the true version of that story I actually told my boss to lift the gate. He didn't come out of no where and lift it. He was standing right next to me when the whole thing happened. It just makes for a better story...pull those heart strings a little tighter. 

I think somewhere inside me its giving me "life experience points". For some reason I think I get more points being the victim. Granted, when you tell that story the way it really happened, I sound like a moron, and my boss was just doing what I told him to. 

How many of my stories are like that?

How much do I base who I am off of who I've been?

Why do I have this insane urge to victimize myself at the expense of the closest people to me?

Why do I push so hard?

Is it a bad thing that I adapt quickly to my surroundings? Am I still just looking out for my own neck, or do I really care about people around me?

I want to....

But is that a desire based off of what I think is a "virtue" or is that an honest passionate desire?

What do I really want for myself?

Am I asking these kind of questions too late in the game or too early? Does it all even matter right now? Does any of this make any difference? Or does it all count after 30?

hmmm....long pause

Then again I remember saying I can find happiness in just about any situation. I guess this is the clincher. Not that my world is falling apart around me or anything that dramatic, but it is a time of change. There are ups and there are downs and sometimes we have to take the bad with the good, and its not what you take that matters as much as how you take it.