3 vices

So, I know its a little past wednesday, but it happens...

I've mentioned 2 of the three vices last time.

Let me reiterate the three and then elaborate.

1. Acting in extremes

2. Judging people off lists I create in my head

3. 6 month relationships

ok, so those aren't in any specific order and all act in tandem. Because I make lists of all the good and bad things that people do -internally- I have a tendency to let that list of bad build up for about 6 months and can no longer take it. I find the list of bad to be too overwhelming, act in the extreme and say good bye. Whether that means move on to another town or just excommunicate that person from my life.

This has happened with almost everyone I know.

I've been thinking a lot about each of these individually lately and why I call them "vices". I can remember for a while back the way I acted in extremes. If someone yelled at me in a harsh tone, I was out. I've quit jobs over this in the past. I knew it was time for me to leave powerstation when the owner spoke to me in a condescending tone. I knew it was time for me to leave New Jersey when the owner of the company I used to work yelled at me the whole ride home one evening- nearly two and a half hours. I knew it was time for me to leave EMT class when the instructor made some harsh comments about my weight in front of the entire class.

Granted, these are all crappy situations, but I would jump to the extreme of just removing myself from the situation instead of learning how to deal with these situations when they arise.

There have been other times when I act in extremes just to spite people, show them that I can do it

on my own

without anyone's help

It usually didn't work out very well.

This came to a recent climax with the situation in the house. Things weren't going great and internally I was thinking, "God I gotta get outa here." I started looking on craigslist at other cities, other areas in Boston, some areas back in CT.

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When I make lists in my head, they are usually very mater of fact. You did x, x is wrong, x goes on the bad list. The problem is when something goes on the bad list, the entire list runs through my head, from bottom to top, and I remember everything that happened which makes a possible minor offense turn into a fiasco. 

I don't know how learned this behavior, but I have a tendency to sit back and watch people. The people watching I enjoy, but soon after watching I build lives for these people in my head and then decide wether I like them or not. I base my interactions with these people off of conversations the aren't privy to us having. 

My brain becomes some twisted catalog of things people have done, the way people react, and what people say. After sufficient data has been collected, the left side of my brain takes over and I simulate conversations, reactions, actions, all of it. The problem is after a certain point in time I don't remember what's real and what's simulated. 

This causes me to "fall in love" with people I might not love, hate people I might like, and forget to pay attention to the relationships that are really important in my life.

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I've already mentioned some about the 6 month habit. What I haven't spoken about yet is the dynamic of how this happens. When I meet someone, if I like them the relationship has a tendency to be very intense. I make huge sacrifices, invest everything I have, pull out of other relationships to spend more time with the new one. I jump to extremes....hardcore. 

The relationship will generally climax after 6 months. The lists have been made, I've put everything I have into these few relationships, then I begin simulating. My imagination gets the best of me and my mind plays tricks on me to ultimately push people away, take on more than I can, attempt to mend broken relationships, attempt to form new ones, leave town, smoke too much.

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When it boils down to it, this all seems to be some sort of survival mechanism to keep me going. The system almost seems to be implemented so that I am forced to ultimately be alone, push people away, do it myself. 

It all makes me feel like a parasite, suck people out of whatever they have, after 6 months, move on to the next person. 

So I decided I don't want to live that way anymore. Like I said earlier, all of these came to an ultimate climax a few weeks ago in the house where I was just feeling like crap. I didn't feel like I could trust my roommates, I wanted to leave, I felt heartbroken, unwanted, unloved, predictable, redundant. Then it all just hit me. 

I don't need to freak out about a degree right now, every one of my relationships was suffering because I spent all my time elsewhere. Even when I was physically in the house having real conversations with people, my mind wandered into all the crap I had to get done before tomorrow. So I decided to pull out of Bunker Hill. I withdrew. Immediately I went down to CT to visit my family. I've been spending my days off from work reading and catching up with people. Not to suck them dry, but because I really care about these people, I want to know their opinions, what's going on in their life. 

This was been the most freeing past few weeks ever. I feel like I'm discovering more and more who I am everyday, and how to live life for me, not for other people. I feel more stable than I have in a long time. I've had great days and I've had crappy days but I haven't jumped to the extremes of marriage or murder. There have been things that add onto the lists and i just let them sit there, I don't take of with them. 

All in all

I think this is who I am.

and i like it

:)