hanging in there

So after physical therapy today, my therapist was advising me to find a new career. He took me out of work for the week so I can rest up. I told my boss all this and he has put me on medical leave of absence for the time being.

I was talking with Beth a lot about all this. For some reason after talking to her I just felt so much better.

Even though I feel like I'm going through this whole thing a second time, there is so much that can suck. Its just all about getting up in the morning, putting the past behind you and doing your best in that moment, in that day. Its a hard situation to be in.

I think this next week off is going to really put me in a good position. For the past week I've just been locking myself in a cave, watching movies. I'm excited to get away for a little bit, get out of the house, be productive....in a non physical sort of way.

I'm wondering if it makes more sense for me to just find another job, or stay with Best Buy.

I will not allow myself to get sucked into my own victimization.
I will not allow myself to feel abandoned.
I will not allow myself to wallow in misery.

This is not the end, nor is it the beginning, this is just another step, stop taking it like its the end of the world. You aren't that extreme person you used to be, act like yourself. You're not your friends, you're not your family, you're not your job.

Humble?

The hardest part about humility is getting over the appearance of weakness. After that, humility comes easily. As soon as thoughts about "my rights" or "my pride" or "my worth" start coming into the equation things get all muddied up. To assume I have to rights, to assume I have no pride, to assume I have no value all sounds weak willed. Where is the character in that? Or maybe I'm still just placing too much of my value in other people's hands. Do I find myself valuable? Do I think I have anything to be proud of? Do I create anything worth while?

who's the real victim

I've said in the past that I set myself up for disaster. I think its because I know how to play the victim so well. In fact, I think I prefer to play the victim. I know how to victimize myself at the expense of someone else....the crazy thing is, I'll go to just about any length to accomplish this. I don't know where this comes from, but I think its something rather deep seeded. Looking at my current situation I could find it easy to victimize myself, alter a story here, stretch the truth there, and I could pull those heart strings to get just about anything I want. Somewhere along the path I've learned to play up disaster. And in the process I've become a liar and an arrogant asshole. 

My right hand was crushed in a hydraulic lift almost 3 years ago....but I changed the story to everyone I know. In the true version of that story I actually told my boss to lift the gate. He didn't come out of no where and lift it. He was standing right next to me when the whole thing happened. It just makes for a better story...pull those heart strings a little tighter. 

I think somewhere inside me its giving me "life experience points". For some reason I think I get more points being the victim. Granted, when you tell that story the way it really happened, I sound like a moron, and my boss was just doing what I told him to. 

How many of my stories are like that?

How much do I base who I am off of who I've been?

Why do I have this insane urge to victimize myself at the expense of the closest people to me?

Why do I push so hard?

Is it a bad thing that I adapt quickly to my surroundings? Am I still just looking out for my own neck, or do I really care about people around me?

I want to....

But is that a desire based off of what I think is a "virtue" or is that an honest passionate desire?

What do I really want for myself?

Am I asking these kind of questions too late in the game or too early? Does it all even matter right now? Does any of this make any difference? Or does it all count after 30?

hmmm....long pause

Then again I remember saying I can find happiness in just about any situation. I guess this is the clincher. Not that my world is falling apart around me or anything that dramatic, but it is a time of change. There are ups and there are downs and sometimes we have to take the bad with the good, and its not what you take that matters as much as how you take it.