Tired but can't sleep
Got a lot on my mind.
I feel like I'm regressing more than progressing. I'm frustrated by who I am, and even more frustrated by who I'm not. I dont want to fix it anymore. I dont want to fix anything anymore. Why am I always trying to fix it? I feel like the majority of the relationships in my life I've had and sustained where due to me trying to fix something I messed up. A promise I broke, a double cross, something hurtful, cheating, a nasty glance, all of it. I spend the rest of the relationship trying to undo something I did. I can't tell if its because I cant forgive myself for being a terrible person or if I dont feel forgiven by the offended. As much as I try to be a good person as much as I try to fix all the problems I still end up stepping on somebodys toes, or inadvertently pissing somebody off, and I dont know how to deal with that anymore. No matter what I do I get yelled at. Why is everybody yelling at me? I get to this point and can only consider myself a failure and thus must fail with the intent to fail, which hurdles me into another offense, but this time it stings more because it was somewhat intentional....That only puts me back to square one where I feel terrible for doing something offensive. I'm not trying to blame anyone for my twisted sense of relationship, I am who I am...I'm trying to change, and I don't like being me right now, though that might change. But the change most likely wouldnt be for my personal benefit...change that would make me into a better person, no if i am to change and you are to notice it its probably only because I am trying to portray myself in a way that you will find more pleasing, not necessarily a way that benefits me, personally, any better.
It would all be so much easier if someone just told me what to do. I can do that, I can follow an order, carry out a command. I can be the guy that gets a job done. I can be a robot. But then that takes out the greatest gift of all, free will. Greatest gift. Bah. Free will has only shown me how much I can mess things up. In the game of choice I tend to carry out the option that best affects me, not the one that best affects everyone. When given the option I'm more likely to choose immediate gratification over long term well being.
And all of this, I hate it... I hate every bit of it.
I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to not do everything I do. Let me hold my breath and once again sabotage myself a little further. I'm on the edge of setting myself up for dissaster, sweet disappointment you're becoming like second nature. Push them all far enough away and eventually they will turn and again you'll be left with nothing and no one and we will start the cycle with a new city.
I hate it.
A good 6 month friend.
Thats about all I am.
6 months, theres nothing really past that, its just all starts repeating. By month 7 I will start telling the same stories I did when we first met. Cook the same meals, fall into the same tragedies, get hung up on the same issues.
Because
I
don't know how to
change
Sorry
and Sorry in advance
I feel like I'm regressing more than progressing. I'm frustrated by who I am, and even more frustrated by who I'm not. I dont want to fix it anymore. I dont want to fix anything anymore. Why am I always trying to fix it? I feel like the majority of the relationships in my life I've had and sustained where due to me trying to fix something I messed up. A promise I broke, a double cross, something hurtful, cheating, a nasty glance, all of it. I spend the rest of the relationship trying to undo something I did. I can't tell if its because I cant forgive myself for being a terrible person or if I dont feel forgiven by the offended. As much as I try to be a good person as much as I try to fix all the problems I still end up stepping on somebodys toes, or inadvertently pissing somebody off, and I dont know how to deal with that anymore. No matter what I do I get yelled at. Why is everybody yelling at me? I get to this point and can only consider myself a failure and thus must fail with the intent to fail, which hurdles me into another offense, but this time it stings more because it was somewhat intentional....That only puts me back to square one where I feel terrible for doing something offensive. I'm not trying to blame anyone for my twisted sense of relationship, I am who I am...I'm trying to change, and I don't like being me right now, though that might change. But the change most likely wouldnt be for my personal benefit...change that would make me into a better person, no if i am to change and you are to notice it its probably only because I am trying to portray myself in a way that you will find more pleasing, not necessarily a way that benefits me, personally, any better.
It would all be so much easier if someone just told me what to do. I can do that, I can follow an order, carry out a command. I can be the guy that gets a job done. I can be a robot. But then that takes out the greatest gift of all, free will. Greatest gift. Bah. Free will has only shown me how much I can mess things up. In the game of choice I tend to carry out the option that best affects me, not the one that best affects everyone. When given the option I'm more likely to choose immediate gratification over long term well being.
And all of this, I hate it... I hate every bit of it.
I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to not do everything I do. Let me hold my breath and once again sabotage myself a little further. I'm on the edge of setting myself up for dissaster, sweet disappointment you're becoming like second nature. Push them all far enough away and eventually they will turn and again you'll be left with nothing and no one and we will start the cycle with a new city.
I hate it.
A good 6 month friend.
Thats about all I am.
6 months, theres nothing really past that, its just all starts repeating. By month 7 I will start telling the same stories I did when we first met. Cook the same meals, fall into the same tragedies, get hung up on the same issues.
Because
I
don't know how to
change
Sorry
and Sorry in advance
posted by Its not about Perfection, Its about Progress at 1:12 AM
3 comments
