I am a live. Broken, but alive. It has been a hard month. Basically I haven't worked a day in October, which means instead of making money, I'm actually losing it. No be prepared, I'm going to complain for a minute or two here:
Because I sprained my ankle, it led to the inevitable fall that happened about a week after I sprained it. Falling ended up spraining my ankle worse and injuring my knees as well. Turns out I have knee spurs, which explains the chronic knee pain I've had all my life. The knee spurs are so painful at this point its difficult to walk down stairs, drive, or sit in one position for longer than 5 minutes. Throughout this month of no work, I haven't had not even one cigarette which for me is amazing and yet just seems to add on to the pile of crap that October has been.
Ok, done complaining.
Spiritually October has been really rough. For a while thats why I didn't want to post anything mostly because things were going so well I figured I'll just post again when things start to look up. But that never ended up happening. Instead I'm left wanting. I have a ton of unanswered questions and a concern and want for a deep loving relationship with God.
I was on a retreat this past weekend about glorification. It was interesting to ponder, but I was thinking more about how inapplicable heaven is to my current situation until I spoke to the speaker who was speaking. A few things where cleared up but mostly I had realized that much of my motive and intention up to that point was much more focused on me and not so much on Jesus. I was much more concerned about what God can do for me and not what can I do for God.
There is plenty of room for debate on either side of that topic and indeed there does need to be a balance, but the scales where drastically tipped in my favor and thats never a good thing when it comes to motive.
I'm still having a really hard time grasping the idea of God's love. Particularly, how can I love God? How do I enter into a relationship with God? What is God's love? What does God's love feel like? Is it bad to base judgment and decision on feeling, or should we base it on knowledge, and if so -how?
These questions and similar ones are kind of nagging at my soul. Its almost like my heart is being teased for believing God loves me. But how does God love me? How can God love me?
This is a dangerous position to be in, but I know that I have made the decision to base my life on Jesus. I want to be like Jesus. These are hard questions, but I feel more like they might be life long goals to understand. Its so hard though. My soul groans to know the answers. My heart is heavy with anticipation. My will is anxious to know what to do. I am an impatient man made by a patient God. This feels like my chest is being crushed, it almost feels like when your significant other breaks up with you out of no where. Its that hard heavy feeling that just makes you want to never leave the comfort of your bed. That is how much I want God revealed in my life, in my heart, and in my soul.
The idea of God sounds great. But it sounds almost too good to be true. I've got some pretty thick skin and when it comes to street smarts I'm up there hangin with the best of em, but this is different. This doesn't feel real.
At every turn I seem to find spiritual oppression. For I while I was feeling like everyones emotional toilet. Everyone I know seemed to come to me all at the same time and dump they're emotional baggage on me and expect me to have the answers. I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive, I'm sorry if you feel like I used you, I'm sorry if I'm not talking to you much. I just dont know what to do.
Without Christ, I am nothing.
I don't have the right words, or the right insight, or the right knowledge. It is Christ in me that says all the right things at the right times, I've been taking too much of the credit lately. I am hardly even a man, most times I feel less than a man. The Bible says that Christ washes us, makes us clean. I don't feel clean. I don't feel holy.
My brother Tim encourages me so much. It wasn't even six months ago that I had given him the advice that its not really so much that we are sinners saved by grace, but that we are saints who sometimes sin. He ended up giving me that same word this past week. But I certainly feel more like a sinner and less like a saint in these vulnerable broken times. There are so many catchy sayings and little phrases that just don't seem to help. Its not about perfection, Its about progress. It sounds so nice. It doesn't help.
I think I might have complained for longer than I had expected. Oh well, I am weak and now the whole world knows it. I struggle. I sin. I am still human.
I'm going to go read a book about humanity.
