Love?

Im frustrated.
I have a friend who keeps "falling in love" with different girls every month. Now I cant blame the guy too much because i do the same thing. The main difference between he and I is that I DONT TELL EVERY GIRL I MEET I LOVE YOU. Its not that hard of a concept. One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that goes "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" I understand this complex. I've lived through it most my life. I think the main issue here is that a vast majority of our population have made a grave miscalculation as to what love actually is. So what is love?

I think at the moment its slightly easier to define what love is not. Love is not sex. Thats a big one that gets confused easily. Sex is an expression of love, but often sex occurs outside of love. Sex does fulfill a need, even outside of love. But do not be fooled, that need has only been temporarily satisfied. Its like we have a great big hole in the ground, one that might catch a tiger, and that hole is all of our needs, what sex without love does is it scatters twigs and leaves across that tiger trap so that on the surface everything looks fine, but as soon as something of substance falls into our pit, it breaks right through that comfort. The answer then is not to have more sex in order to attempt to fill the pit with twigs and leaves, but to find something of substance to satisfy our needs.

While we are on the topic of needs...this idea seems to be coming up more and more. There is an excepted way of thinking that has evolved recently. Everyone today seems to be worried about their own personal needs. I constantly hear people saying "oh, hes just not meeting my needs, i need to find someone else who will." Its all about MY needs, and MY cares, and My life. This is the quintessential antithesis of what love is. Love is not "how can I get my needs met," love is "how can I meet your needs?" Love does not completely null and void personal need or emotion, but it elevates someone else's personal needs and emotions over yours. And I'll let you all in on a little secret. THATS HARD! Putting someone else's need over your own without expecting anything in return is quite possibly the hardest thing you will ever do in your entire life. Even still so often with Jon I find myself thinking in spite because I'm meeting more of his needs than hes meeting mine, and its my job to take care of him! Living with Jon has made recognizing how often we say "yes I'll do that for you if you do this for me..." Love is not conditional. Love has no strings. By saying the words "I love you" you are saying your needs and emotions are more important than mine and I want to spend all of my time doing my best to meet them without expecting anything in return. Love is the ultimate sacrifice, but it brings about the greatest reward.

Love is not just a feeling. My skin crawls when I hear someone say "I have this intense feeling, it must be love." No, thats an intense feeling. People share intense feelings through intense experiences. This is why so many people who share intense experiences end up "falling in love." Intense feelings don't last very long and as soon as the intense feelings fade, people lose the "spark" that they once had to their relationship. The average life span of an intense feeling relationship is only about 2 years. After that personal need eventually swells beyond the point of superficial or substantial satisfaction and the relationship is bound to fail. Don't get me wrong, love does have feelings associated with it, but they are experienced through much more everyday things and not as much intense experiences. One might experience what love really is by taking care of a sick loved one, or surprising that loved one with something unexpected. Love feels initially a lot like sacrifice, but in the long run feels like intimacy.

Oh no.
Now I've done it.
I said intimacy.
Intimacy is so fragile. It means so much to us but with one breath people can shame us for our intimacy. Why are we so afraid of intimacy? I heard it put this way before..."because into me you see." No walls, no defense mechanisms, no facades. just me. and that perhaps is the most scariest thought of them all. just me.

So what then is Love?
The most accurate way I've ever heard it described, and tinkered with a bit myself goes like this:
Love is a language. We speak this language everyday to nearly everyone we meet. In the same way we might speak to one person formally and another informally, we speak love formally and informally. The person whom we communicate love with on all levels is the person whom we are most intimate with. The best way to speak this language is usually not by talking, but by listening.

So what sense does it make when we say "I love you"? Do we really mean everything we have just said? Those three little words have more meaning than three volumes of books. Are we ready to make the sacrifices necessary for love? Are we ready to meet someone else's needs before our needs get met? Are we ready to have people look inside at the very essence of our being? Are we ready to ask these types of questions before getting into a relationship?

Love?

heres an essay i wrote for my english class regarding this issue, it says many of the same things in a less formal tone, but still gets across good points (in my humble opinion)

In English the word “love” takes on hundreds of meanings, so much so that other cultures have multiple words that get translated into our indifferent term for love. We have watered down the potency of this word. In one breath we may say, “I love those hot dogs,” and in another “I love my spouse.” We have forgotten what this word represents. We have forgotten how to use this word. Love is more than a warm fuzzy feeling a teenage couple feels in the back seat of a car. Love is more than just a word. Love is a language and it is spoken not only with words, but actions, intentions, and thoughts as well.

Many people in this day and age have forgotten how to speak this language of the heart. Unlike other languages, we speak love with our actions, our thoughts, and our intentions. We speak this language the best when we truly care about the people to whom we communicate. For example, a man may say “I love you” to his wife by buying her flowers. If the man is thinking, “I want to do something unexpectedly nice for my wife,” this altruistic is notion is love. However if he was thinking “It is Tuesday and I’m obligated to buy her flowers again,” this is a constrained perception that is not love.

Similar to other languages, love is spoken with words as well. However, when one might say something directly in one language, one might speak love by indirectly saying what is meant. Using that same flowers instance, when that man gives his wife those flowers he might say “I was thinking about you and got you these.” What he is saying in love is “I think about you all the time. You matter to me. Your happiness is important to me. I value you.” Had he said “It’s Tuesday so I had to drive cross town to get these so I hope you’re happy,” then what he would have communicated here is “You have inconvenienced me. I have done something for you and now I expect something in return. You don’t really matter to me.” That is not love. At the very most all that can be, is tolerance.

Love is spoken best between two people who share the same thoughts, emotions, and interests. Love isn’t something a man shares with a hot dog, it is how a man interacts with his lover. Love isn’t just a gesture, it’s the thought behind it. Love isn’t just a word, it is the meaning in the words. The interesting thing about love is that one communicates love the clearest not through kind gestures or complementing words, but by listening. The language of the heart is spoken the best not by speaking but by listening.