Thanksgiving
Technically, Thanksgiving has been over for 38-no, make that 39- minutes. I spent most of the day heavily medicated to lubricate the awkward situation my extended family might find themselves in when they found out I've been incapacitated since late September and won't feel much relief until I'm another year older. I've come to terms with it. I think sometimes I don't really want to get better.
Sick isn't it? Not because people feel obligated to help, or because I don't have to do as many chores...but just special. I find comfort in being special. Its unfortunate that the terms of this specific comfort comes through the dislocation and relocation of my knee caps, but in all honesty I felt like this back in October when I sprained my ankle.
I think its high time I try and get some professional help. I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor on Monday. I'm driving myself absolutely insane trying to figure out who is genuine when they talk to me. Who can I trust that doesn't have an alternative motive behind what they say. Sometimes they don't, but it would be so easy for them to that if I where them I would almost take the opportunity to simply because the opportunity has arisen. To many small things aren't adding up to the big things I'm being told.
However, I am willing to admit there may be an issue with my arithmetic which is why I'm forcing the counselor upon myself. Because what if I'm right. Then things really need to change. I almost hope I'm wrong. And even in the middle of this I can't see the hand of God because I'm playing God in determining the motive behind the players.
Well in that case what do I do? Play the game like everyone else? I don't know the rules to that game, but am willing to learn. I am neither Judge nor Jury. No, those positions are filled and I would only be fooling myself into thinking that I play any part in upholding their integrity in any way. But I want so much to be the hand that strikes them where they stand. Its wrong and I want to be the one to expose them.
Mostly, I suppose, because I have been hurt by them. I wish I really could want good things for enemies. How could Christ hang on a cross and still say your sins are forgiven? How could he go through all that and say they know not what they do.
I suppose that is the love of God.
And in that case I shouldn't pray God judge them, but God show me to love them the way you do. God show me how to love the people who hurt me most. God show me how to love them all.Give me your eyes to view humanity.
all of a sudden my groveling sounds a bit silly and immature. God replace my need for revenge with my ability to love my neighbor, and replace vengeance with brotherhood.
Thank you God, for all that you have done and all that you will do and everything you are currently doing
Sick isn't it? Not because people feel obligated to help, or because I don't have to do as many chores...but just special. I find comfort in being special. Its unfortunate that the terms of this specific comfort comes through the dislocation and relocation of my knee caps, but in all honesty I felt like this back in October when I sprained my ankle.
I think its high time I try and get some professional help. I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor on Monday. I'm driving myself absolutely insane trying to figure out who is genuine when they talk to me. Who can I trust that doesn't have an alternative motive behind what they say. Sometimes they don't, but it would be so easy for them to that if I where them I would almost take the opportunity to simply because the opportunity has arisen. To many small things aren't adding up to the big things I'm being told.
However, I am willing to admit there may be an issue with my arithmetic which is why I'm forcing the counselor upon myself. Because what if I'm right. Then things really need to change. I almost hope I'm wrong. And even in the middle of this I can't see the hand of God because I'm playing God in determining the motive behind the players.
Well in that case what do I do? Play the game like everyone else? I don't know the rules to that game, but am willing to learn. I am neither Judge nor Jury. No, those positions are filled and I would only be fooling myself into thinking that I play any part in upholding their integrity in any way. But I want so much to be the hand that strikes them where they stand. Its wrong and I want to be the one to expose them.
Mostly, I suppose, because I have been hurt by them. I wish I really could want good things for enemies. How could Christ hang on a cross and still say your sins are forgiven? How could he go through all that and say they know not what they do.
I suppose that is the love of God.
And in that case I shouldn't pray God judge them, but God show me to love them the way you do. God show me how to love the people who hurt me most. God show me how to love them all.Give me your eyes to view humanity.
all of a sudden my groveling sounds a bit silly and immature. God replace my need for revenge with my ability to love my neighbor, and replace vengeance with brotherhood.
Thank you God, for all that you have done and all that you will do and everything you are currently doing
posted by Its not about Perfection, Its about Progress at 12:45 AM
2 Comments:
hello darling. i miss you. we need to get together. i know that we've been playing message tag on facebook. i wish i could make definite plans right now, but my uncle is dying, and the doctors don't think he'll last to this weekend, so i want to be available for my family. however, maybe next week? tuesday and wednesdays work well for me. OR, if you're not busy Friday during the day, i have half days every friday from now until the new year. so maybe a lunch date? let me know. i hope you're okay. i'm glad that you're seeing a counselour to get thing off your chest. i'm proud of you.
lauren
I just read your last several posts -- sounds like a lot is going on in your inner world, not to mention your knee. I wonder if you got through Yancey's book. The idea of seeing a counselor sounds like a good one - let me know if you need help finding one. I'm gonna pray for you this morning, bro. With hope, -Duke
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