attempted poetry: act 1 scene1 take 1

oh we've danced this dace before,
in my head we've been romeo and juliet, maria and tony,
your monotony is so very thrilling to me,
to me this is not art as it is a memory,

And here is the sheep in wolves clothing
Pull back that curtain and take another look
No, not at the monsters in the way, but at the beauty in the middle
Peel it back, see it for what it really is

Its not black after all
nor is it a stone, nor jaded, nor broken
It is warm and tender, but cautious
is it time yet?

The world seems so fragile
one prick and it might come crashing down
Go see it while its still there
one prick and it might come crashing down

.

ever so slowly I debate whether I'm losing my mind or finding it.

On Justice and Natural Law

For those of you that have been with us since the beginning understand the stand off there has been regarding right and wrong. Its something I think about constantly, probably too much. Recently I've found that right and wrong don't matter too much if no one is willing to claim the latter. I'd obviously rather be right than wrong, but am more than willing to admit that I might be wrong at any given time. So who then is to decide right or wrong? People are flawed, who are we to decide? Everyone who makes a decision of right or wrong is in some way slightly biased. Whether there is a past experience that sways them one way, or an interest in the outcome of the future that persuades them towards the other. So we can not entirely rely on people, regardless of how benevolent the intention.

Intention
now theres a topic for a different blog.
back to the topic at hand.

If we cannot rely on people to interpret right and wrong what then can we rely on? It seems to be my experience that there is a natural law about the universe. This is the cause and affect relationship between anything and everything in the universe. When it rains, we get wet. When we are hungry, we eat. Where there is fire, there is heat. These are very simple examples of the cause and affect relationship in the world. This natural law can be expanded into every human decision, relationship, and responsibility.

Lets take responsibility, for example, It is my responsibility to put gas in my car. I don't have to put gas in my car, but there will come a time when my car runs out of gas and needs to be replenished. Its my car, its my responsibility to fill the gas tank. Cause and affect, natural law.

This is a relatively simple idea to wrap your mind around. But think about this, natural law is only applicable to self; not to society. So to take a more extreme example, such as murder, if I were to kill someone, they would be dead. Cause and affect. However, the death of that person does not necessarily reflect how wrong it was for me to have murdered them. Hence the need for justice. Justice picks up where natural law leaves off. So yes, I murdered someone, but the just law states that there is consequence other than the natural law affect. In some societies I might receive the death penalty, in others life imprisonment, and in some just a few years behind bars-depending on the lawyer.

So there is natural law, that reflects action and consequence in regard to self; and justice which reflects action and consequence in regard to community. So this is a very rigid way of living, by the book, pharasiacal, clearly defined.

The problem with this is it doesn't allow much room for development, or for experiment. There is no grace. But heres the thing about grace: grace must be administered in a particular fashion such that it promotes the development, not the detriment, of the person receiving it. So how then can this happen?

For grace to be administered, the person needs to accept responsibility for the wrong they have done, and be entirely willing to serve the sentence for that crime. In regards to the murder case, for me to receive grace, I must first take full responsibility for the murder of that person, and be willing to carry out whatever punishment I deserve. It is only then that grace would be beneficial, after I have learned it is wrong to kill, I have developed. To administer grace before hand would only promote murder.

There are currently some institutions in place like this today within our prison systems. Ideas like getting out with good behavior and things of that nature. But in general, people aren't willing to fess up to the dirty deed done. Yes I can see how I played a part in killing that man, but he harassed me all my life, he deserved it, I did the world a favor, its not MY fault. Sure it is, I aimed and fired on my own free will. The problem with people today is that they are much more interested in placing the greater blame on someone else. I may have done something to add to the situation, but they did much worse. Sorry, doesn't work that way.

People today tend more to walk around and complain how the world is affecting them, as if it wasn't their fault for the situation they are in. What good is this going to do? Its only going to cause a lazy, noisy America where nothing of importance ever gets done. Instead, we should walk around boasting about how we affect the world. Take responsibility for the wrongs you have done, no matter how small. Learn from them, develop. Then affect the world with those lessons, teach others. Make an impact.

more to come

a bit of change

So recently i have discovered that my work situation isn't going to pan out as well as originally anticipated. Miscommunication seems to have placed me again in the victim's seat and I had to cancel all of my summer plans, which were many. The plan was to hike the AT from mass to new hampshire for 2 weeks at the end of may/1st week in june, then leave for cali with Jon and family in july, get dropped off in Yosemite for a month then come back. By that time school would be starting and we would move in. There was a possibility for sailing in Canada or recon in India. But instead I have to find a new job. Next year the state no longer wants to pay for a PCA all together which is to both Jon and my misfortune. Its a little frustrating to think that things are finally starting to work out only to have the rug pulled out from under your feet....again.

Its easy to think God is in control when things are running smoothly.
No
no its not
Its hard to think God's in control regardless of how smoothly or spotty things are. Even when things are running good I find myself feeling bored and ready for change, when things are rough its like well what are you gonna do now? If its not one its the other. I'm worse than the Israelites traveling across the desert. God's been feeding me and taking care of me but at the slightest hint of too much or too little, its all over in my head.

Im fickle.
Im whining.
I hate it when that happens, maybe you can't hear it but I can hear it in my head, its that tone of voice that drives me up the wall.

Dont say I love you unless you mean it. It throws me off, I dont know you. You really dont know me. I'm in this situation because you've assumed too much. I love you is not a band aid, its not Tylenol...stop prescribing it. take 2 call me in the morning.

take 3
lets try it again.
Yes, I'll tell you what you want to hear if that will make you leave me alone. It still drives me up the wall. Smile. Flash. Done.

So much to learn
So impatient


where did you go? where did I go? Im not sure how I wound up here. Its kind of like amnesia.
should I pick from the hat, can we draw straws?
too crazy, be careful...that one bites.

Love is a battle, Life is the war

From an early age we are pounded with images of knights in shining armor seeking the fair maiden's hand and living happily ever after. What Disney lacks in depicting is the life process that happens from "I do" to "rest in peace". Why would they? Its ugly. Love is a battle, Life is the war. Everyday is a conscious decision to love. Everyday is an adventure in staying alive. Accepting anything else is forfeiting the fight.

Earlier I brushed on the topic that love is a language. I honestly can't take all the credit for that one, theres a book out there called "The 5 love languages." The book goes on to explain the 5 love languages being :
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch
It goes on to talk about how each person speaks all the love languages, but that we receive love the greatest through our primary love language. Our primary love language is then the one that we speak back the most. For example, if my primary love language is words of affirmation, then I am most likely to speak words of affirmation better than I might acts of service. I can still speak acts of service, but I recognize words of affirmation easier.

I spoke a bit already a few days ago in the blog "compliments" referring to words of affirmation. The thing that i didn't clarify is that we can speak words of affirmation in two different ways. This is dealing with two types of communication, direct and indirect, I prefer to refer to these as relational and topical information. (Now I took a seminar in Family Counseling in New Jersey this fall and most of what i say after here is a reflection of "The Ancient Paths Seminar".) Its very important to keep both of these in mind when communicating because when your relational and topical communication don't coincide, people get confused as to what you are trying to say. Only 7% of communication is verbal, thats the topical, the other 93% of what you say is non-verbal, tone of voice and body language. Most people would agree that nearly all types of problems in a relationship are communication issues. What people don't understand is that they can plug away at the topical issue all day, but when the relational problem is solved, the topical issue goes away. Why, because relational issues deal with identity and when that identity is wounded in some way, we are blinded by the topical issue. Fix the relational pain, fix the topical issue.

Now when gifts is mentioned here, this is not like buy your girlfriend a new bmw and she will have to marry you. No. Sorry its not like a slave trade. The point of consciously loving someone is finding new ways to tell your lover "I'm thinking about you." For a while I lived with a couple that really demonstrated how love really works. I would be out with the husband grocery shopping and we would pick up a single lindt's white chocolate piece. It was his wife's favorite. When we got back to the house he didn't boast about it or complain about it, he slid it into her hand as he was unpacking the groceries. Thats a love gift. And just as a side note, wars have been stopped over flowers. I had a conversation with a friend about this topic recently. He kept trying to prove his point that "flowers aren't my thing, she doesn't even like flowers."
I replied"How do you know, have you ever gotten her flowers before?"
"Well, no but thats just not my style. I don't need to buy her things so she knows I love her."
The point that I kept trying to get across to my friend was that it didn't matter if buying her flowers was his thing, its about her. Sometimes we do things that aren't our style to show our loved ones that we are thinking about them. Love is choice. You don't have to buy the flowers, you also don't have to love with all your heart.

As a side note: if your a man in a relationship and you're reading this, go buy her flowers before you see her again. DO IT.

Acts of service. For men this one can go either way. Acts of service could mean fixing a leaky sink or doing the dishes, but we so frequently forget to not expect anything in return. I did the laundry and the dishes, that means i get anything i want...um no. Sometimes its easy for us to fall into the mindset of getting things done just because they need to get done, but try and think of one thing they do that you could do for them. People have a hard time with this. Its easy to fall into "I can do it myself and I don't need your help", no you don't need my help, but I want to help. The other side of this coin is that men are action oriented, they see a problem and they want to fix it, women are community oriented, they see a problem and they want to talk about it...a lot....Men, sometimes this can drive us nuts, just remember that by listening, that can be seen as an act of service too.

Quality Time can get sacrificed really easily by the busyness of day. Before you know it its 10 o'clock and you realize you haven't called or seen her all day. The best recommendation for this is to pick a day every week and go on dates. Make time available. I heard this once before, a guy and a girl were in a long distance relationship but they both really enjoyed movies, so they would go see a movie, alone or with friends, where ever they were and call each other at the end and talk about the movie. Thats awesome, way to be creative!

The Physical touch one gets tricky, in no way do i mean physical touch in the sexual sense. Thats two different things. I mean physical touch the way you might drape your arm around her shoulder, or hold her hand, or play with her hair. It could be something as small as touching her shoulder as you walk by. People are extremely sensitive to touch. Most people don't get enough physical touch throughout childhood and go to one extreme of never physically touching someone to always touching someone.

Now remember this is all just a big book report on "The Five Love Languages" I've just expanded here and there and added some of my own thoughts.

Love is a battle, Life is the war.
Every day is a conscious decision to love.
Every day is an adventure in staying alive.

Love?

Im frustrated.
I have a friend who keeps "falling in love" with different girls every month. Now I cant blame the guy too much because i do the same thing. The main difference between he and I is that I DONT TELL EVERY GIRL I MEET I LOVE YOU. Its not that hard of a concept. One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that goes "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" I understand this complex. I've lived through it most my life. I think the main issue here is that a vast majority of our population have made a grave miscalculation as to what love actually is. So what is love?

I think at the moment its slightly easier to define what love is not. Love is not sex. Thats a big one that gets confused easily. Sex is an expression of love, but often sex occurs outside of love. Sex does fulfill a need, even outside of love. But do not be fooled, that need has only been temporarily satisfied. Its like we have a great big hole in the ground, one that might catch a tiger, and that hole is all of our needs, what sex without love does is it scatters twigs and leaves across that tiger trap so that on the surface everything looks fine, but as soon as something of substance falls into our pit, it breaks right through that comfort. The answer then is not to have more sex in order to attempt to fill the pit with twigs and leaves, but to find something of substance to satisfy our needs.

While we are on the topic of needs...this idea seems to be coming up more and more. There is an excepted way of thinking that has evolved recently. Everyone today seems to be worried about their own personal needs. I constantly hear people saying "oh, hes just not meeting my needs, i need to find someone else who will." Its all about MY needs, and MY cares, and My life. This is the quintessential antithesis of what love is. Love is not "how can I get my needs met," love is "how can I meet your needs?" Love does not completely null and void personal need or emotion, but it elevates someone else's personal needs and emotions over yours. And I'll let you all in on a little secret. THATS HARD! Putting someone else's need over your own without expecting anything in return is quite possibly the hardest thing you will ever do in your entire life. Even still so often with Jon I find myself thinking in spite because I'm meeting more of his needs than hes meeting mine, and its my job to take care of him! Living with Jon has made recognizing how often we say "yes I'll do that for you if you do this for me..." Love is not conditional. Love has no strings. By saying the words "I love you" you are saying your needs and emotions are more important than mine and I want to spend all of my time doing my best to meet them without expecting anything in return. Love is the ultimate sacrifice, but it brings about the greatest reward.

Love is not just a feeling. My skin crawls when I hear someone say "I have this intense feeling, it must be love." No, thats an intense feeling. People share intense feelings through intense experiences. This is why so many people who share intense experiences end up "falling in love." Intense feelings don't last very long and as soon as the intense feelings fade, people lose the "spark" that they once had to their relationship. The average life span of an intense feeling relationship is only about 2 years. After that personal need eventually swells beyond the point of superficial or substantial satisfaction and the relationship is bound to fail. Don't get me wrong, love does have feelings associated with it, but they are experienced through much more everyday things and not as much intense experiences. One might experience what love really is by taking care of a sick loved one, or surprising that loved one with something unexpected. Love feels initially a lot like sacrifice, but in the long run feels like intimacy.

Oh no.
Now I've done it.
I said intimacy.
Intimacy is so fragile. It means so much to us but with one breath people can shame us for our intimacy. Why are we so afraid of intimacy? I heard it put this way before..."because into me you see." No walls, no defense mechanisms, no facades. just me. and that perhaps is the most scariest thought of them all. just me.

So what then is Love?
The most accurate way I've ever heard it described, and tinkered with a bit myself goes like this:
Love is a language. We speak this language everyday to nearly everyone we meet. In the same way we might speak to one person formally and another informally, we speak love formally and informally. The person whom we communicate love with on all levels is the person whom we are most intimate with. The best way to speak this language is usually not by talking, but by listening.

So what sense does it make when we say "I love you"? Do we really mean everything we have just said? Those three little words have more meaning than three volumes of books. Are we ready to make the sacrifices necessary for love? Are we ready to meet someone else's needs before our needs get met? Are we ready to have people look inside at the very essence of our being? Are we ready to ask these types of questions before getting into a relationship?

Love?

heres an essay i wrote for my english class regarding this issue, it says many of the same things in a less formal tone, but still gets across good points (in my humble opinion)

In English the word “love” takes on hundreds of meanings, so much so that other cultures have multiple words that get translated into our indifferent term for love. We have watered down the potency of this word. In one breath we may say, “I love those hot dogs,” and in another “I love my spouse.” We have forgotten what this word represents. We have forgotten how to use this word. Love is more than a warm fuzzy feeling a teenage couple feels in the back seat of a car. Love is more than just a word. Love is a language and it is spoken not only with words, but actions, intentions, and thoughts as well.

Many people in this day and age have forgotten how to speak this language of the heart. Unlike other languages, we speak love with our actions, our thoughts, and our intentions. We speak this language the best when we truly care about the people to whom we communicate. For example, a man may say “I love you” to his wife by buying her flowers. If the man is thinking, “I want to do something unexpectedly nice for my wife,” this altruistic is notion is love. However if he was thinking “It is Tuesday and I’m obligated to buy her flowers again,” this is a constrained perception that is not love.

Similar to other languages, love is spoken with words as well. However, when one might say something directly in one language, one might speak love by indirectly saying what is meant. Using that same flowers instance, when that man gives his wife those flowers he might say “I was thinking about you and got you these.” What he is saying in love is “I think about you all the time. You matter to me. Your happiness is important to me. I value you.” Had he said “It’s Tuesday so I had to drive cross town to get these so I hope you’re happy,” then what he would have communicated here is “You have inconvenienced me. I have done something for you and now I expect something in return. You don’t really matter to me.” That is not love. At the very most all that can be, is tolerance.

Love is spoken best between two people who share the same thoughts, emotions, and interests. Love isn’t something a man shares with a hot dog, it is how a man interacts with his lover. Love isn’t just a gesture, it’s the thought behind it. Love isn’t just a word, it is the meaning in the words. The interesting thing about love is that one communicates love the clearest not through kind gestures or complementing words, but by listening. The language of the heart is spoken the best not by speaking but by listening.

compliment

So Jon and I had a crazy weekend, we laughed , we cried, we laughed some more. In the midst of driving oh, 700 miles or so, we talked all- or at least, a great majority of- the time. The last night on the way home from Boston we had the most to talk about. Hanging out with the Boston Girls was amazing. I get so excited when I'm around passionate people, when I'm around passionate Christians I get super excited. Anyway, back to the drive, one of the things that was brought up in conversation is the fact that people, at least in the North East, hardly ever compliment each other. Sure its easy to say "I love you" but in the same breathe to say "I love you" and "I love lamp", the "I love you" kind of looses its value. But to compliment someone, that takes actual effort. In order for me to compliment you on something, I first have to put aside all of your short comings. Then I have to look for something you do well, and tell you that I noticed that you do that particular thing well. The problem I have is getting over that first part, I have a hard time putting aside other peoples short comings. Its much easier for me to point out all of the things you do wrong than for me to point out the things you do right.

There was this phrase hanging on the wall of a shipping and receiving building at a psych hospital I used to work at. The phrase read something like "No ones looking when I'm busting my ass all day, but as soon as I mess up everyone is there to notice." Its so true. No one sees the work behind the scenes. When we mess up its obvious, we've almost been trained to point out all of life's screw ups. Why? Because if that person knows they did something wrong, then they can take the appropriate steps to not do it again in the future. Thats crap. I think a boss of mine one time told me that. I know when I screw up!!! Everyone knows when they have a short coming!! Unless you grew up in the woods raised by wolves (sorry oaks) you know when you have done something wrong.

But most jobs, and most people are designed so that when the system works, and everyone is doing a good job, then things get done, and thats encouragement enough. But its not enough. Its rare to find encouragement in "the real world". People are just as awkward about giving it as they are receiving it. Some people have the hardest time telling people they have done a good job. These people have been trained for years to point out all the wrongs and offer superficial advise as to why you are less of a person than they are. You probably have had a boss like this at least once. If not then you know someone who has, or maybe is.

Then when someone sends out a compliment its like people don't know how to react. it feels good inside, but do I let them know that made me feel good? Do I open up and let them in? No no this is work. Work is no place for feelings. Most people try and brush off a compliment, "oh it was nothing", or "no trouble at all" when they stayed awake for 3 nights in a row preparing it. We are so ready for the criticism that when we receive compliments it catches us so much off guard we are trying to refute the compliment.

So what to do then?

I suggest this...
Everyday
For the rest of your life
Compliment at least one person

There are no technicalities here. A compliment, in case we have forgotten how to give one, could be something as small as "I like what you have done with your hair today" or "You did a great job with that paper" or "Your eyes captivate my heart, every time I look at you I rush to the edge of the universe only come right back and do it again."