pull it all together

Jesus is a very real answer for life's very hard problems. Taking a deeper look into why people do the things they do, why do we sin, what is happening beneath the superficial, it becomes easier to understand oneself, and everyone else.

In most instatnces I've found that life comes at you with a combination of these three. When I get lonely, I feel the pain from all my previous relationships, the deisre to love and be loved, and the fear of not knowing if I will ever meet "the one". When I get hurt by someone, I feel the pain that from my childhood and all the people who have hurt me in the past, I feel unloved, I feel afraid that they will hurt me more. In the same way, when I used to drink excesively or take drugs, I did it because "it made me happy". It "allowed me to forget about life's worries". Thats crap. If anything it made life more difficult and more unhappy when I was sober. Which would cause me to drink more. What was really going on was I found a connection with the people in the bars through our collective brokenness. None of us had a "problem". I related to these people. I could laugh with a perfect stranger. I felt accepted.
Inflate balloon.
Through into pit.
Repeat.


What is the one thing that keeps repeating here? In all of these instances there is a common theme to sin. Sin is based on emotion. Sin is based on feeling. So what do we do with that? Stop feeling? If I could stop feeling I probably wouldn't have drank so much, done drugs, had sex, gotten into so much trouble....but the flip side to that is if I could stop feeling, I would never be able to feel loved, joy, happiness, appreciate beuty, become passionate about anything. So I'm not saying that feeling and emotion are bad. What I am saying is that it is a dangerous road when you base your life on feelings. Basing all decision on feeling can lead to the "sinful" life style.

So now your probably saying "ok thats great an all, but how do I not base my life on feelings when thats all I know?" I had done this for so long. If someone hurt me, I would excommunicate them from my life. If I was pissed off enough at someone, I would never speak to them again. So when I came back to the church I was faced with this different lifestyle....and a huge problem. How do I stop living in sin, emotion, feeling, and start living for Christ?

I hate the christian term "Give it to God." Have you ever heard that one? It doesn't really help does it? When people used to tell me "just give it to God and it will be alllllllll better" I found that I had to restrain myself from strangling them. I mean its a great concept and all. But its not like a switch that turns on and all of a sudden god takes all your junk away. Remember, all spiritual blessing comes in seed form.

I watched this nooma video last night. It really got me thinking. Rob Bell has this video called lump. Its a short 10-12 minute video but it is very real. Let me summarize the video for you.

Nooma-Rob Bell-Lump
In a nutshell what happens is Rob has two boys, young, about 4-5 years old or so. The older one had started lying to Rob and his wife. The first time he lyed it was about this white ball that the boy had stolen. When they confronted him about the white ball he said in a very strange voice "I dunno, Its just the strangest thing, the ball came from nowhere." So they let it pass. Not too long after that the boys where playing in the other room and the older one hit the younger one... The younger comes crying to his mother saying "he hit me" and this kid was balling. So when the mother goes to the older son and asks if he hit his brother he says in that strange voice "I dunno, Its just the strangest thing, I didn't hit him, I dunno what hes talking about." So his mother replies "Just like you don't know where the white ball came from......right?" and the older son freezes.
Busted.
Not knowing what to do the kid bolts up stairs and slams the door. When Rob gets home, about 2 hours later. His wife goes up to him and tells him whats up. So Rob walks upstairs and finds the oldest son in Rob's bedroom. In the bed, under the covers, hot and sweaty for 2 hours. So Rob sits on the edge of the bed and slowly pulls the covers back. His son doesn't budge. Hes curled up with his eyes closed, soaking wet. Rob says "You know that there is nothing you could ever do, to make me love you any less."

This is what Jesus has been saying to us all along. There is nothing you could ever do, to make me love you any less. The first step in really making an attempt at changing a sinful lifestyle is to first no that there is nothing....NOTHING that you can do that would make God love you any less.
Romans 8 says:
38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Nothing.

Grace is hard thing to wrap your mind around. You may think "yeah, but you don't know my situation" or "you don't know what I've done." Nothing you have done, can seperate you from the love of god in christ.

This is so key to making the life change, getting that heart transplant because this is the seed. Right here. The love of God is the seed. What you do with it from there is up to you. You can water it, and protect it, and help it grow, or you can toss it in a closet and let it sit. But its always there.

Once we plant this seed and help it grow, we begin living life on the knowledge that God loves us, and stop living life based off of feelings. When you begin to understand how much God loves you, you begin to see how much he loves everyone else to,you stop making rash decisions that come back to haunt you later, you find true happiness and peace. Being a christian is far far more than just hell insurance. Its about enjoying life to its true fullest. Its about finding peace. Its about knowing that you are loved, not only by God, but by your christian brothers and sisters too.

So know this, who ever you are,
I love you.
But know this even more,
God loves you more.

sin part 2

So the problem has been stated. The roots of sin are pain, love, fear. Well what do we do with that. I found it hard coming back back to the church. My folks gave me the option : live with us and go to church, don't go to church and live somewhere else. It was pretty clear that I had nowhere else to go. So I went church hoping. I checked out a few churches and wasn't at all interested.

You see the thing is, christians are people too. Christians sin for the same reasons as everyone else. Jesus doesn't come by and say "ok, you will never feel pain again! YAY!" not how it works. What Jesus does do is he can heal the pain. My pain by that point in my life had caused my heart to grow cold. It was black with hate, green with envy, and despite my large size, very small. Like I said earlier, sex, drugs, money, power, all these are only bandaids on open heart surgery. Christ is the surgeon. Christ gave me a new heart. A heart that feels for people. A heart that bleeds. 3 times too big. We feel pain not so that we can wallow in our misery, but so that we can do something about it. Now I hear about foriegn wars and I want to do something about it. I want to vote. I want my opinion to be heard. I hear about world hunger and it brings tears to my eyes to think of starving children with no homes running from government agencies who want to kidnap them and turn seven-year-old kids into soldiers. In justice bothers me. It makes this new heart heavy. But thats the thing, Christ gives us these feelings so we can do things to change the world.

Speak. Let your voice be heard. If you are for a war in Iraq, serve in the military, If you are against it, vote. If world hunger bothers you, travel the world and feed the hungry. If Global warming makes you sad. Do something about it. Christ puts these things in our hearts so we can act on them.

(steps off the soap box)

The thing is Jesus gives us a heart transplant. The old self dies, the new is alive. But we still need to feed our hearts, guard our hearts, and let them grow. I heard once that all spiritual blessing comes in seed form. I like that. Take the seeds that Jesus has put in your heart, feed them, let them grow. These seeds are no roses. These seeds are redwoods. These seeds will grow to be mountains.

For the matter of love, it says in 1 John "God is love". Now this can be expanded on for days. But taking God out of love, is like taking the motor out of your car. It doesnt work. You can sit in your drive way all day and imagine what it would be like to be driving down the highway at 70mph, but without a motor, you wont get there. No with me, I ended up pulling the car across town. Love bacame a burden. I had a motor in the car, I just refused to turn the key. "Nono, God",I said "I've got a better way to travel." So I took my neon strapped myself to the front bumper and pulled it around everywhere I went. Eventually It ran me over.

Looking for love in family, friends, acquaintences is fine. But without God being the center of that love, it will only turn into bitter burden. Ya know that empty lonely feeling? I used to get it all the time. C.S. Lewis calls it a God shaped hole. I like to think of it as a pit, it has a bottom...I've been there...What happens is we fill this pit with things of the world to feel better about ourselves. Yes, it worked, for a short time, a very short time. The reason is, I kept filling my pit with balloons. I had all kinds of balloons, Big Alcohol Balloons, little money balloons, average size sex balloons. My pit was overflowing with balloons. The problem is, life is solid. So when I had thrown in the Anvil of getting fired from the club, all my balloons popped. And there I was, at the bottom of my pit, with a big ugly anvil, and no balloons.

No heres something awsome, Jesus emptied out my pit. Took out all the balloons, all the ugly anvils,but didn't leave me empty. The thing about Jesus is he will never leave you empty. So he took my empty pit and filled it with living water. Christ took my ugly pit that I knew of love, and turned me into an overflowing well. That is what Love is supposed to look like.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FEAR
According to wikipedia:
Fear is a basic emotional sensation and response system ("feeling") initiated by an aversion to some perceived risk or threat.
We fear what we do not know. Fear ruled a good part of my life. But what is it that we do when we are afraid? We perceive, we project, we guess. We assume the future. C.S. Lewis does a great job of putting this into context in his "The Screwtape Letters":

"Our buisness is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we somtimes tempt a human (say a widow or a scholar) to live in the Past. But this is of limited value, for they have some real knowledge of the past and it has some determinate nature and, to that extent, resembles eternity. It is far better to make them live in the future. Biological necessity makes all their passion point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, So that in making then think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most temporal part of time-for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays. Hence the encouragement we have given to all these schemes of thought such as Creative Evolution, Scientific Humanism, or Communism, which fix men's affections on the Future, on the very cone of temporality. Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead."

In the sermon on the mount Jesus says don't worry.
Matthew 6
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Christ Heals the pain

Christ Fills the pit with Love

Christ Encourages us when we are afraid

Welcome to the tip of the iceburg.

I hijacked my sisters computer!!!

So my computer decided to blow up, not sure whats goin on, but i think i need to reformatt. Serves me right for getting a pc. Other cool news, the well was awsome, david pierce is comin down this saturday then we are back on. Enough about me, lets talk Jesus.

Actually, I was thinking a lot about concepts. Why we do the things we do, what is the drive, the justification? all that. I wrote an email to a friend who is not sure they want to come to Jesus. This friend said it was fun living in sin and the idea of going to heaven sounds great and all but it doesnt help them now in their current situation. So I got to thinking.

First of all lets just clarify, we all want to sin. Why? Its fun, it feels good, its irresponsible, go ahead, name a few. Pretty easy huh? We can think of thousands of reasons why to sin. So why not sin? For most people in the world they are under this preconcieved notion of the church and christianity that as long as they dont kill anyone they will go to heaven. Well thats all fine and dandy but what about the satanists, they havent killed anyone. Shall they go to heaven too? Many people believe that the only reason not to sin is to get into heaven. Don't get me wrong, heaven sounds great and I can't wait to get there, but theres soooo much more to it then that. The absence of sin isn't hell insurance. One cannot bargain sin for time in pergitory. You can't say "Oooo.....I think I'm going to sin now, so I better make sure I counter act my sin with a good deed or legnthy prayer." Not how it works. People have tried to formulate a devine system of checks and balances so that when they do sin, they can light a candle, or say 10 thousand hail mary's and all is well. But thats missing the point.

So the first thing we really need to realize is that everyone has a desire to sin. Even Paul, the man who wrote %75 of the new testament struggled with sin. He says in Romans 7:

13Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. 14For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So to put the issue of sin to the side for a second, lets think.
Selfishness is justified by self-preservation. In this world, particularly this generation. We seem to have been brought up on the "Army of one" attitude. Take care of number one and thats all that matters. I never used to care about wars in other countries, world hunger, poverty, global worming. These were all issues that didn't affect me. Why? I was only worried about things that directly influenced my life. Keep pushing...I was only concearned with things that I could use, either people, resources, personal gain. Everything in my life was centered around me. And it aught to. right?
no
I ended up using people for their talents, losing friends because i no longer got what I wanted from them, and put people down to lift myself up. Its wrong. I was wrong.

Looking even deeper, I find it safe to assume that the basis of my entire selfish was based around three principles. The first of these 3 principles is pain. I had a lot of pain. Growing up as the fat ugly dorky kid with glasses didn't help my fragile ego as a 5 year old. As far back as I can remember kids made fun of me and tormented me in school. Coming home was not much better, my father was an alcoholic who I could run circles around verbally by the time I was 10. My mother did an excellent job of wearing those rose collored glasses and sweeping all confrontation under the carpet. It hurt. I felt alone, and left out of everything...even my family. Years of enduring this pain, wearing a mask as a front, pretending it never bothered me, broke me. I decided not to let people hurt me anymore. We have a saying in New York City "You can't be afraid of the other drivers on the road if you're the craziest one". So when I had entered my junior year of high school, now transfered from the old, I decided to be someone else. Someone less vulnerable.

It never worked, but I'm not one to quit. I tried to be tough. I tried to act like a bad ass. But i hated getting in trouble. Eventually that stoped mattering so much and by the time I was a freshman in college I had been to prison, twice. Theres another saying I've heard tossed around AA circles "Fake it till ya make it". "IT" works both ways. So by this time,my pain had started out as small cuts and scraped that would eventually turn into life threatening wounds.

Trouble seemed to find me very well in those days. So I quit/was removed from college. All i was doing was making my wounds worse and worse. I tried everything I could think of to dull the pain. Alcohol, Sex, Drugs, money, power, whatever. I'd try it. Its like putting a bandaid on someone who just had open heart surgery....just doesn't work....even if you have 10 thousand bandaids.

Pain. I am no stranger to pain. I've got lots of tattoos and will probably get more,(for different reasons now). I had no understanding of how to process pain, how to deal with it, How to heal it.


The second principle I found I was searching for was Love. Now looking back and being able to see my history, dad was at the bar, mom was covering for him, led to a tough love environment. And for a kid in as much pain as I was in, tough love felt more like tough unlove. Its easy to see how I chased after love with every girl I've been with. Each time I wondered if she was the one. I wanted to be loved and to love more than anything. But I didn't know what that looked like. I didn't know how to love. I didnt know how to recieve love. So when I lost my virginity I said to myself "This must be love". Sex is not love. Sex is Sex. Sex without Love only leads to more pain. When you think that sex is love, and therefore you must be in love, it is very easy for heartbreak. And there will be heartbreak. I felt it deep within my soul. Probably one of the few times I recognized I had a soul, how much it hurt. The word heart ache isnt enough to describe it.

I wasn't only looking for love in girls. I had built a family around of people that I cared most about. There were 4 or 5 of us that always stuck together. Thick and thin through and through. These were my boys, and I was one of their boys. These guys became what I knew as family. I felt loved by them and I loved them. That was all fun and good until everyone started going their seperate ways. One joined the navy, one went to college, one found another family. Eventually I found myself with no one. alone.again. This false sense of family had no weight to it. We all said we would always be there for each other. But what we really meant is we would be there as long as it was convienient. When things really got down to the wire, we all new is was always about saving your own neck.

Even then. After I had the girl, and the family, I felt like I wanted to be loved by everyone. I had a kingdom, and I was the ruler. I was the manager of the club, the godfather, the crimelord, I was the man. Everyone who came in that club new who I was. Everyone knew my name. I was a sovergn king. I could walk in the mall and be recognized, I was a local legend. People still talk about the person I was. I had it all....it was all a house of cards. Everything I had wasnt grounded to anything solid. It all droped on top of me and crushed me.


The last of these three principles is Fear. Fear is absolutly the most malicious out of these three. Fear casued me to be waery of my pain and hence change who I was in High school. Fear of never being love made me rush into relationships. Fear made me taylor my personality to fit that of others. Fear made me lie to myself and everyone I knew. Fear.

Now when I say fear made me, Im not blaming, nor shifting responsibility for my actions. But I was so afraid of all the "what ifs". I didnt want to risk it. Fear of rejection, fear of getting too close, fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment.

My mind was full of "what will they think of me if". Nearly everyt thought came into and out of my head with that pretext. The severe issues in my life arose when all three where bound together and I was the center of the bullseye. Dealing with trying to heal the pain, find the love, and rid myself of the fear.

pain
love
fear
this is why we sin

the well

The well was awsome.
I really think this is gonna go places.
It was terrifying.
But still amazing
My computer is bested, so as soon as I can get it working again I'll begin the study on matthew again.

stregnth

Without Jesus I am nothing.
Christ is my rock
Christ is my stregnth
Christ is my guide
I've tried my way, It doesnt work

a brief hiatus

Lots on the mind.
The well starts saturday.
Im nervous.
Pray for me.
Pray for the well.

I'm gonna put the study on matthew on hold for a few days. we'll get back to it on monday. Its interesting to look back not only 6 months ago and see how much God has done in my life. 6 months ago I wasn't working at hunter's. If anything my relationship with God was rough, rocky, and intermitent. I led multiple lives. To see where he has brought me in such a short amount of time, is amazing. God has turned me into this sponge, able to soak in all kinds of knowledge and understanding. Never before in my life have I read more books in such a short amount of time. Neither have I ever read my bible on a regular basis up until recently.

I have faith in God to do amazing things at the well. I have no expectations, I find that when I start to form expectations I usually end up forcing things to go my way and cry about them when they dont. I don't want my body to get in the way. I don't want my past to get in the way. I used to be a terrible person. Completely selfish and self centered. Now all I want to do is live my life for Christ. I have faith that God will give me the words. I know he will. Without God, I can't do much. anything. Through God all things are possible.

This faith in knowing God loves me is hard. I'm not gonna stand here and say being a christian is easy and all your problems will go away and you will hit the lotto eventually. The thing is God is always real. God is always relating to us. But are we relating to God? Thats why I post this stuff. I'm trying to pick it out and relate to it. I want to relate to God. I need to relate to God. I need to know that God is real. and I do. God is real. I can relate, and be in a relationship.

Possessing Truth

I had originally planned on wrapping up the rest of 18 and moving into 19. But when I read 19 I got anxious and wanted to do that one instead. Actually, we're gonna be looking at the end of 19.
So here is Matthew 19:14-30
16And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?" 17And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." 18He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, 19Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." 20The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" 21Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." 22When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

23And Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God." 25When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished, saying, "Who then can be saved?" 26But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." 27Then Peter said in reply, "See, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?" 28Jesus said to them, "Truly, I say to you, in the new world, when the Son of Man will sit on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and the last first.

Lots of good stuff here. Lets begin shall we? I find it interesting that this rich man even comes to Jesus asking this question. Apparently he has kept the commandments but still feels left wanting. Its interesting to note Jesus' response "no one is good but one". Jesus puts it out there that no one is perfect but him. No one is good but him. This man here, he says he does the things the law requires...but in his heart does he really love the poor? his neighbor? his father and mother? Its easy for someone to not kill, not steal, these are things that are generally ingrained into us from childhood. Even this man, who has done these things find that its not enough. Its not enough just to not kill. Its not enough just to not steal. It causes him to be weary about eternal life. Faith in God is not hell insurance. Good deeds wont buy your way to the pearly gates.

As an aside...there is a difference between faith and hope. Hope is something that is rooted much more in desire and expectancy, where faith is rooted in truth and trust. I think I would like to elaborate more on this later.

Back to Matthew. So after Jesus rattles off some commandments this guys like, yeah I've been there done that what else. Jesus, knowing this man's heart takes the one thing that he might love more than God. Notice, in that short list Jesus rattled off he said nothing about idolitry. But Jesus tells the man, Go and sell everything you have and give to the poor, then come and follow me.

Now for someone like me, I hop on that in a hot second. Here you go, you can have my student loans, and you...you can have my crappy car....and for you, oh yes you can have my beat up trailer that I sometimes live in. But for someone who owns a $300,000 house, a bmw and a benze...not so simple. Jesus might have well have has added, and btw, quit your job, cuz your not gonna need that either. These are not light things to ask. But notice how much we allow our possessions to possess us. How often is your cell phone glued to your ear? how much time in front of the tv do you spend? How often do you give to the poor? Tithe?

I'm not pointing the finger here, I do the same thing. In fact I have a really hard time with tithing. I cant even spell it let alone do it. But here in America, we are one of the richest countries in the world. Look at how God has blessed this country. Let every child grow up with a good education, a new cell phone, and 5 pairs of shoes, thats the American motto. Look around, not in your town, or in your state, but look around in the world. We've got it made. And its easy to justify all the reasons why not to give to the poor. I can talk about that all day. I cant really afford it, I want to make sure it goes to the right place, Children in other countries dont really matter to me. But notice that after Jesus told this man to sell everything he owns, to also come "follow me". The same invitation he gave to the 12.

So not only does Jesus want you to give up all you own, but he also wants all your time as well. Not just your spare time. I hardly have any time to spare as it is. But all your time. Not just for an hour on sunday morning. Monday-Friday...even....Saturday and Sunday....24/7. Imagine if this man had done what Jesus said. Right then and there, the man turns around and says, Jesus dont go anywhere I'll be right back. Goes and hands over the deeds to all his property to a servant, gives his car to a perfect stranger, empties his bank account and gives all the money away to the church, united way, and soup kitchens. Calls up work and says forward his last paycheck to afganistan. Throws his pda in a lake and his cell phone in the garbage. Meets up with Jesus an hour later and says I'm ready, lets go. People would look at him as if he were crazy. Crazy because everyone else is so attached to what they own, where they work, how much money they have, they miss it.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend a little while ago. I asked "if someone held a gun to your head and said believe in god and die" what would you say? The friend replied "I would say I believe in god....but on a daily basis I deny him all the time." With Jesus the thing is we do have to die. We have to die to our old selves and come alive in him. This is by no means an easy task. Friends will not like us, some will hate us, make fun of us. But youre not alone.


You
are
NOT
alone


Jesus goes on to say with man, this is impossible. This rich man cannot find it in himself to do it. Can't bring himself to it. Thats the thing, the verse continues to say "but with God all things are possible." Its when we stop looking at our selves and instead of saying "How am I going to do this" instead say "Lord give me the strength to do this." Instead of searching inside looking for things to rely on, look to christ. Christ gave us brothers and sisters to be supportive and supported. I'm not gonna sit here and just say "give it to God." But be comforted in knowing that you are not alone. And that is the truth.

Earlier I mentioned something about truth. Here are a few definitions of faith:

1.	confidence or trust in a person or thing

2.	belief that is not based on proof

6.	the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.:

7.	the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.:

8.	Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

—Idiom

9.	in faith, in truth; indeed

people vs. sheep

Matthew 17
I see this chapter split up into 2 parts, so we'll start with the end of the first half and work our way back to the beginning. I don't know why I think in reverse sometimes, i guess it just helps me to see things a little more clearly.

Lets start out with the lost sheep. Verse 10 says this:

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. 12What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? 13And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. 14So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

I know that I have been this one lost sheep. I have gone down wrong paths, fallen off cliffs, and hardly made it out alive time and time again. In fact, if I were the shepard, it would probably have been worth the effort to put this sheep to sleep than to save it. But thats not what Jesus does. He leaves his whole flock for me. Let me elaborate a little bit here on how this whole sheep hearding thing goes down. Ususally one shepard goes out into the woods, miles away from civilization, sometimes for days on end, with 100 sheep. So this shepard is out in the middle of no where and he looks out at his flock. These sheep are what sustains his family, this is how he earns a living, he has come to consider each and every one like a family member. He names them, he cares for them, he protects them.

In order to find enough food for the sheep, the shephard needs to keep them moving, sheep will over graze and devour a field in a short amount of time. The interesting thing I found on wikipedia is that sheep show strong tendancies to fall into 3 category of sheep. Some sheep, usually the stronger ones, would fight their way into the middle of the flock for saftey, but could risk the chance of not finding any food there. Some sheep would have strong leader tendancies and bring the other sheep to more grazing fields. And some sheep naturally just naturally raomed away from the flock. These sheep will continue these tendencies from lambhood until they are adult sheep.

So the shephard always had to be on the lookout for the roaming sheep not to get to far, because they would, in fact, roam until they are lost. This is all information that was common in those days. Jesus doesn't say here that the shephard gets fed up with the sheep when it gets lost, He rejoices. I was one of those sheep that roams. I've always been good at roaming. I used to drive around and try to get lost, just to see if I could really get lost. Its intersting for me to look back and see all the times in my life where Jesus found me and led me back, and how quickly I'd wonder off again.

But heres the difference between us and sheep. Between you and sheep. Sheep are always going to be either leaders, roamers, or flockers. Jesus has made me new. I am no longer a the roaming sheep I once was. Jesus has turned me into a leader. He didn't get fed up with me everytime I left the herd, never left me behind, every time he found me.

Now for the second, well...first part. In order to be made new, I had to make a decision. I couldn't change on my own. But I had to ask Christ to make me new. Change who I am. Now that was stepping out on a limb for me. I had roamed a lot at that point in my life. I had roamed so much that I had different names in the different places I went. Guess what happened....God gave me a new name...Peter. In order to take that huge jump, I had to become like a child. I had to believe that this fantasy Jesus was real. I had to humble my proud, worldly self. I had to assume for a little while that I didn't know everything about everything. That was hard. Thats what it takes.

Kids don't question whether santa claus is real, or the easter bunny....they get presents from santa and candy from the easter bunny, thats all they need. For a kid to believe in Jesus it comes so naturally. We were born with the desire to be intimate. Not just with each other, or with our parents, but with God himself too. So for a child to believe in Jesus its just as easy for him to believe in santa. Children can see the fruits of the spirit better than we can. Children never try to justify what God does. Children don't blame God for bad things in their lives.Ever ask a 4 year old in sunday school why God created the earth?





"because he loves me"

Faith

So i had a great weekend, Tim it was awsome being able to spend the weekend up there at uconn, I wish I could make it up there more often. Its interesting though, I missed reading my bible. I was thinking about it,and not to brag or anything...but, I've read my bible and done this blog everyday now for 3 weeks. Sometimes i don't post right away but after 3 weeks of doing it....it was al I could think about when I came home.

Anywho lets jump in. Im really going to focus more on Matthew 17:14-21. Matthew 17 starts out with the transfiguration of Jesus, which is pretty crazy. I can't Imagine being in Peter's sandals while that was goin down. When all thats over they come back to where the rest of the disciples are and find this man with a demon possesed son.

For anyone who is familiar with the "nooma" videos, I think they're awsome and got this idea from them. In one of the videos, dust, it talks about a very similar theme as in this passage. Verse 14 starts out like this (ESV)
14When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15"Lord, have mercy on my son," he said. "He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him."

17"O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me." 18Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment.

19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"

20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Now looking at this initially its easy to see that the disciples where trying to be like Jesus. Which is what disciples do. If you read "Velvet Elvis" or see this nooma video "dust" it says that disciples followed so closely to their rabbi that this saying came around. It says "may the dust of your rabbi be upon you". Disciples of that time would follow so closely to their rabbi trying to keep up where ever he goes that by the end of the day they would have everything that the rabbi stepped in all over them. So its natural for a disciple to want to do what the rabbi does. So to see these disciples trying to heal this epileptic kid makes sense.

I could see how this gets played out with the disciples who are attempting to heal this kid. In my head it looks something like this. One disciple says to another " ah, I don't know, I've never actually HEALED anyone before..." and the other one says to the father "You might wanna wait for Jesus, hes up on the hill transfiguring right now, could you come back in like an hour?" and yet another one saying "Nono, its ok I got this." "Oh yeah right, you're gonna heal the boy, you'd probably just make him worse!". "No, I can do it....In the name of GOD be HEEEAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLed." after a bit of a pause "Well that didn't do much", "At least I didn't kill him!", "Oh wait here comes Jesus, he'll handle this one, I'll get the next one."

It might not have gone down exactly like that, but thats how I like to think of it. What does Jesus say when he first gets back? "Oh unbelieving and perverse generation". No light words here. He goes on to say you couldn't drive him out because you have no faith. No faith? It seems like today everyone is worried about faith in God, if only I had more faith in God, I could do his will, or be blessed, or not worry so much. But Jesus isn't talking about faith in God. The disciples had plenty of faith in Jesus. By this point they have seen more miracles, eaten more holy fish and bread, and survived more stormy boat rides then anyone else around.

No, what Jesus is saying here is that you couldn't drive out the demon because you didn't have any faith in yourself.

Earlier, in Matthew 14 we find the same thing. Jesus comes walking on the water and Peter, wanting to be like his rabbi, says lord if its you then call me over to you. Jesus calls him and Peter starts to walk on water toward Jesus. But then he begins to sink and what does Jesus say to him? Oh you of little faith. Peter has Faith that Jesus can walk on water, Jesus is walking on water right in front of his eyes. No, Peter looses faith in himself to be able to walk on water.

Back to chapter 17:20 Jesus says "...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Jesus wants us to know that he believes in us. He thinks we can do it, we can make it. Jesus is right there next to you cheering you on saying "I know you can do it, Go for it!" Its not an easy thing to do. Its more than the initial step, Peter was walking on water. If the disciples really had faith in themselves to drive out the demons. Often times we don't see ourselves like Jesus sees us.

Its hard for us to get over our sin. Jesus doesn't see that as a part of us though. He wants us to go for it. Just try. put effort into it. keep going when it hurts. you might feel pain. you might feel week. you might cry. But remember this...Jesus has faith in you.

For me this is super encouraging. This whole past week I cant stop worrying about the well. Its so easy for me to remember my past, see where I was and think "God can't use me I'm filthy". But thats not how Jesus sees me. On Sunday I was doing sound for church and at one point I fell to my knees in tears because I felt God telling me this... "Yes, I can use you" and then he said "tell them I can use them too"

this rock peter

We begin in the middle and the middle begins this way. Mattew 16:1
And the Pharisees and Sadducees came, and to test him they asked him to show them a sign from heaven. 2He answered them, "When it is evening, you say, 'It will be fair weather, for the sky is red.' 3And in the morning, 'It will be stormy today, for the sky is red and threatening.' You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times. 4An evil and adulterous generation seeks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it except the sign of Jonah." So he left them and departed.

This is similar to the passage not too long ago in mattew 12. But there is a primary diference in what Jesus says. He says you can tell what the weather will be, because you recognize the signs and know the behavior but you can't recognize the signs of God because you don't know God. You cannot interpret the signs that God has sent because you are too focused on yourselves. (Jesus is talking to the pahrisees and sadducees). God sent John the baptist as one huge sign to the generation and they called him insane. Jesus, the christ, the messiah, is now walking with these people and they cannot recognize it. Jesus fulfils ALL the old testament prophecies of the coming messiah. Signs? These people ask for signs? They have recieved signs for the past centuries as to the coming of christ.

But its interesting isnt it? These where the people who new the scriptures inside and out, forewards and backwards. To be a pharisee one had to go through intense training and had the entire old testament memorized. Memorized. These people knew the signs they just didnt want to look at them.

How easy it is to just play the religious game and live under the law and not pay any attention to God. God gives us signs all the time as to which way we should go. He plants desires and ambitions deep within us. But society (even society then) says these things are irrational, or that theres no way you could do that. Throughout my life God has givin me signs time and time again. Most of the time I didn't pay much attention to it. When I moved back home was when I became super desperate and finally said "God, I know this is you. I know you've put this inside me." and out of anger and frustration I said next "What am i supposed to do with it?!" Soon after I prayed that my mother and and her friend were talking and my mother's friend said "Go tell him to apply at hunter's", and my mother had just had the same thought a day earlier. Well, when she approached me with the idea she said she thinks God wants me to work at hunter's and the her friend had the same feeling. I was like "sure, whatever." I applied and got the job and now it is so easy to see how much of a blessing this job really is.

Its not always that God uses other people to give us signs. I had a feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach that if I left connecticut, things wouldn't work out so well. I started thinking about all the reasons not to stay in ct. The list, at that time, was exaustive. Then I started thinking about why I whould stay in ct, and the only thing on that list....was family. Now I generally never cared much for my family,I always felt to be an independant person. But at that point, my little niece had just been born and was only a few months old. So I was thinking about it more about how much I'd like to be there while she grows up and about my father. My father and I never had a good relationship. I was thinking of how interesting it would be if we ever could have a good relationship, but quickly brushed it to the side remembering all the scars and mistakes of the past.

But in all of this, the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I realize that now that God had huge plans for me in ct. My father and I have the best, most amazing relationship we've ever had in my life. It was rare if I ever spoke of my father, and when I did it was usualy not kindly, but now...I talk about him all the time. There has been rediculous amounts of healing, and theres still some to go, but it all came from listening to that "gut feeling" that God put inside me.

I know that was a lot but bear with me...
Now Jesus and his disciples are on a boat and Jesus warns them of the teaching of the pharisees. Earlier Jesus says " a little leaven, leavens the whole lump." Or, one bad apple ruins the barrel. The teaching of the pharisees will cause you to rot. We're gonna come back to this in a second.

In verse 13, Peter....my buddy....confesses that Jesus....my main buddy.....is the messiah, Jesus is the christ. Now knowing a little bit of Peters past, Peter always seems to be the one with the most questions. Jesus I wanna walk on water, Jesus what did that parible mean, Jesus the boats sinking we're all gonna die. Jesus says be blessed, God has revealed this to you. And up until this point Peter's name was actually Simon. Jesus changes his name to Peter here in v18 he says
18And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. 19I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."waoh.

Jesus goes on to tell them about how he will die and be resurreected. Peter's like, no way, that cant happen. Jesus says "Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man." Huh?

Jesus just told Peter hes gonna give him the keys to heaven and now he says get behind me satan? I can only imagine what Jesus was thinking when he told the disciples how he was going to die. I'm sure he wasn't comfortable with the thought. I fact, I'm sure that he was deeply troubled and upset. But he knew what he had to do. In matthew 26:39 he says "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." To try and tell his disciples for the first time about the cross must have been a hard experience. Here is Peter, probably thinking Jesus can't die hes the son of God, hes the messiah, thinking selfishly, I don't want him to go, and justifying it with, but your the messiah. Jesus in his troubled heart immediatly sees the attack and says get behind me satan. If he had said, yeah, maybe your right peter, maybe we can just see what happens and maybe I wont have to go to the cross, how much of a messiah would he look like then?

Peter allowed the leaven of the pharisees to begin to leaven his heart. He began thinking selfishly and justifying it spiritually. This is so easy for us christians to do. I'm almost tempted to say the more scripture you know, the easier it will be to attempt to turn it inwardly and focus entirely on ourselves, and the more dificult it will be to actually walk out the life of Love that Jesus calls us to lead.

I hate that feeling I get when the possibility for me to be wrong sky rockets from a mere 5% to 95%. You know what I'm saying? To go from absolutly sure of something to completely confused. I may have just caused this to happen to you. I will do everything in my power to stay completely sure of it, even if I have to start manipulating truths to get it to fit where I want it to. It is an easy web to get caught into.

But Jesus calls us not to keep our strength of knowledge within, but to rely on him for it. Which is why he says next "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." In order to follow Jesus, we must have no wordly desires...money, sex, fame, or even life itself. Thats the only way this works. There is nothing that we can do to preserve ourselves...as hard as we try. Jesus is calling these people to live for a cause, not for a posession. A cause will continue to cause before, during, and after your stay here on Earth. Jesus is saying to Peter, the life in Heaven is eternal, do not be selfish in this life, it all fades away. Ever heard that saying "He who dies with the most toys, wins"? It is a drastic misconception. The way it should be worded is "He who dies with the most toys, is still dead"

go break bread

Chapter 15 has three parts to it. Lets looks at the last and move back to the first. The last part, Jesus feeds 4000 people, then he heals a gentile woman's daughter, then he explains that tradition is not as important as God's commandments...and that is the first part.

So matthew 15 32-39 Jesus just about finishes his work healing more masses and has compassion on the crowd. As usual, he doesnt want to send them away hungry. Of coars the deciples where like, "uh...Jesus, we're in the middle of no where, where will we find enough food to feed everyone?" Jesus takes seven loaves and a few small fish and feeds everyone. I can imagine Jesus chuckling to himself as they as this question of him. There are less people here than the other 2 times he fed the crowd. I think the number isn't as important as the act, though. This reoccuring theme of feeding people is something that Jesus wants to get across. There is a connection between ministry and diner. I'm not just saying that because I like to eat, and boy do i like to eat. But think about it. Whenever a large crowd gathers, he usually feeds them.

Another connection could be giving to people, in fourthousand and five thousand crowds Im sure that there were people of all walks of life there. The rich, the poor, the recently healed, the begining of the church. Jesus didn't just skip over the people who were well off. No looked around for the fat man so they didnt have to feed him. No, they fed everyone. This is another way that Jesus levels the human race. By eating with people its a way of fellowship, getting to know one another. Prior to this I'm sure the rich and the poor, the sick and the healthy, the sinners and the saints, the jews and the gentiles, didn't much have any interaction. Now he gets people of all walks of life, sits them all down and has them eat together.

Turning gears ever so gracefully...

The second point of chapter 15 is that Jesus heals a gentile woman's daughter. In mark 7, it says that Jesus is in the land of tyre and sidon at this time. When this woman first approaches him, Jesus doesnt respond to her. When his disciples come to him and ask him to heal this woman's daughter, he says "It is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs." Owch. But look at the context a bit more, I dont think hes refering to stray dogs, or beasts behind the alley, but household pets, that are loved. What Jesus is trying to do is make sure that this woman is serious. He doesn't want her to just recieve the blessing and go on about her life. He wants her to recieve the blessing and have her life changed. Seeing her faith when she says ""Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table." She humbles herself, expresses faith, and won't leave until she knows something is gonna change. Jesus sees her faith and allows it to be done.

It says then that Jesus walked up to a mountain and the crowds followed him and brought all kinds of people there to him for him to heal. The interesting thing is, sidon and tyre are both areas of primarily gentile people. I checked out the history of these 2 places on wikipedia, and tyre is a colonized city that was sent from sidon. Sidon was a place that had been well known for its art and was under the influence of Herod. The place where he was, was primarily a gentile area. Its my assumption that after seeing the faith of the canaanite woman, he heals more of her people. There were a lot of people not jews who where there getting healed and listening to Jesus' teaching

once again the grace ful turn of gears...

Matthew 15 starts by the pharisees questioning Jesus about tradition. They get upset because Jesus and he crew aren't following certain traditions. Jesus responds by saying that they have turned tradition above commandment. Making tradition more important the God's commandment is not the best thing to do. He uses an example here that might need some explaining. Jesus says:

4For God commanded, 'Honor your father and your mother,' and, 'Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.' 5But you say, 'If anyone tells his father or his mother, What you would have gained from me is given to God, 6he need not honor his father.' So for the sake of your tradition you have made void the word of God

In the Jewish culture, when your parents retired, you took care of them. They didn't go to a convelecent home, or a nursing hospital. It was your job to feed, clothe and shelter them just as they had done for you for the first half of your life. But what Jesus is saying is that anything the jews had left over, money they should have ear marked for their parents, they claim went to god. So these generations have been not supporting thier father and mother and saying " sorry dad, I spent your money for new pants on God..." or "sorry mom, looks like your gonna have to eat bread and soup while we eat steak, I didn't have enough for you after I tithed." This is breaking Gods commandment of "honor your father and mother". Honor, support, take care of them.

Jesus goes on to say its not what goes into the mouth, but what comes out. Eating with unclean hands isn't going to make someone unclean, but what someone speaks reflects their heart. If the heart is full of eveil thoughts, then thats all that will come out of the mouth.

Now lets step back and take a look at this on a whole. We started at the end and worked to the beginning. Jesus feeds 4000, heals a whole bunch of people, heals a canaanite woman who is a gentile, and calls the pharisees hypocrites for putting the traditions of man over the law of God. Now lets put this back in order....Jesus gets fed up with the pharisees and religious leaders of the time. The tradition of man has become more important to them then the laws of God. Jesus has pity on the canaan woman who was not a Jew, had no jewish tradition, and heals her daughter, then after walking up onto a mountain Jesus heals a bunch of people and then feeds them. He heals and feeds Jews and non-Jews (gentiles) alike. Its more likely that in this area of the world there could've been more Gentiles than Jews.

Jesus calls us to fellowship with everyone. Yes its good to have a community of believers to encourage and discuss faith, but its not limited to it. How often do you hear jokes that start " so a priest, a pastor, and a rabbi..."But how often do you see a pastor, a priest, and a rabbi all sitting around a table having diner with all their families? Or better yet...how often do you see a christian and a muslim sitting and eating together? A christian and a homosexual? A christian and homeless person? Christ didnt turn healing or food away from anyone. Out of the so far 14,000 people that Jesus feeds, he invites them all to stay for diner. Don't let things scare you because they're "not usually done that way" or because you've done it one way for so long. So, go find a homeless person on the side of the street and take them out to diner, not just mcdonalds, tgi fridays...

We start out with Jesus fleeing the scene because Herod has found out what Jesus is doin and thinks that John the Baptist has been raised from the dead. This is a scary thing for Herod because not too long ago he chopped off John's head for his daughter-in-law. Jesus finds out that Herod could be looking for him, so he decides its best to leave.

Jesus takes off in a boat, but when people see him and recognize him, they chase after the boat on land. By the time Jesus docks, theres a huge crowd gathered for him waiting. Jesus feels compassion towards these people and starts teaching. Towards the end of his teaching, everyones hungry. Jesus turns to his deciples and asks one of where they can but enough bread to feed everyone....there were 5000 men, not including women, not including children.

We are in Matthew 14, but John 6 gives a bit more info. His disciples say, no way, It would take a days wages to feed all these people. So Jesus asks what they have, Andrew says that there is a boy here who has 5 loaves and 2 fish. So Jesus takes the food, asks God's blessing, and feeds all the 5000+ people. I wouldn't want to be the boy who has to give up his bread and fish not knowing whats gonna happen next...

Heres an interesting look on this whole topic. This has no Biblical standing just something interesting to think about. This is happening during the passover feast. The Jewish people were used to traveling at this point. Some reported 250,000 people traveled to get to the same place at the same time. When these people traveled, they brought provisions with them. Some of these people are walking for days on end to get to this celebration. Its a theory (I didnt come up with it but thought it was cool) that these people had prenty to eat that they had brought with them. When they saw Jesus take all that he had, all his food and start handing it out to everyone else, that the people did the same and started handing out their extra provisions. Enough to feed more than 5000+.

Jesus takes everything that he has, 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. The first thing he does is start to hand it out. I think this should be how the church operates, how we operate. God blesses us all the time, everyday of my life is lived only to the credit and mercy of Jesus. Think about what you have that makes you comfortable, Jesus didnt even have a bed. I know for myself, as soon as I get my paycheck I immediatly spend 80% of it. (Most of that is for bills). But Jesus didnt have a savings account. Everything he had, he turned right around and gave it out to people.

To some people this doesnt sound like wise investing. "But without a savings account how will you pay for your car if....when....it breaks down?" Is a question my parents will frequently ask when I dont like to put money in savings. I don't know. We are "supposed" to tithe on every income. I have a hard time with that. This is probably one of the biggest areas in my life where I struggle with trust in God. Mostly because I've been severly screwed over with money to the point where I'm not really sure what to do. God has been trying to show me he'll take care of me. About 3-4 weeks ago a friend from church called me up and asked me to stop by his house. When I got there, he loaded up my car with groceries. Probably $100 at least worth of groceries and was like, here...be blessed. Two weeks before that a friend of mine left for the service, I shook his hand as we said our goodbyes and he hands me $30, which was what I needed to fill my gas tank to last me until my next paycheck. And last week I was meeting with another friend sharing excitement about the well, he tosses me $50. God wants so much to provide and handle our situations.

Jesus gave all he had. Im worried about making payments on credit cards, paying off student loans and outstanding phone bills.

It starts to get late. He tells his disciples to go ahead on the boat without him while he dismisses the crowd. Everybody leaves and by this time, the boat is in the middle of the sea. So naturally Jesus starts walkin on the water to catch up. Somewhere between 3-6 am Jesus shows up at the boat and everybody starts freaking out. I would too, I've never seen anyone walk on water and I doubt you have either. Jesus tells the to relax its me. Peter gets all excited and is like, hey I wanna walk on water too. Jesus calls him out and Peters walkin on water toward Jesus. Peter sees the wind kicking up and starts to sink. Jesus grabs his arm and they get back into the boat.

If I where Peter in this case, I don't know how much I'd "start" to sink, I think it would be like a big splash of a sink. But Jesus says, oh you of little faith, and pulls him out. Jesus has been saying that to me all my life. I'll start doin well, get going, the wind kicks up and sink like a cannon ball. Especially when it comes to this money situation. Its hard to see what God wants me to do. I could just stop paying my bills and elope to Ireland....but I dont think its a good idea (God I would elope in a heartbeat if i knew you wanted me to). But thats not what happens here to Peter either, Jesus doesnt have him swim back to the boat, he grabs his arm and carries him back. In my situation, I feel like Jesus has his hand out, all I have to do is reach out and grab it. But instead I'm sinking, trying to swim back. I keep trying to say, nono Jesus, I'll handle that. (just as a quick aside, that method doesnt work very well...) How often do we find ourselves holding on to areas of our lives so tightly that we cant let go of them to grab the hand that will pull us out of the water? I am holding on to my own imminent death. I need to let go. Now.

Silly Sower

I kinda had a bit of a revalation during the end of my last post. It hit me how much God really loves us. Sometimes that happens, I'll be thinking about God, or Jesus or something like that and all of a sudden.....SLAM..... i love you
I had started to say how pissed Jesus got with the pharisees and calling them a brood of vipers. Jesus goes on responding to their question of a sign and I'm not gonna get too much into that because I'm excited about Matthew 13. But at the end of 12 he says something great that I had to point out. Jesus says "...Here are my mother and my brothers. 50For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." That sense of family means a lot to me. My sense of family has changed drastically in the past year, but more about that later.

Matthew 13
3Then he told them many things in parables, saying: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9He who has ears, let him hear."
I hear this and I think, silly sower, why don't you just sow your seed in good soil?
(say that 10 times fast, its fun....)

Jesus goes on to explain that when you hear the message about the kingdom and dont understand it, the devil comes around and snatches what was sowen into your heart. Thats the seed on the path part. Nest he says a man will recieve, with great joy, the message; but will face hard times and fall away easily because he has no foundation for his beliefs....thats seeds on rocks. Then he talks about a man who recieves the message and starts to grow with it, but the worries of life, and how to juggle the mixed thoughts between trusting God through faith, or trusting money through greed. Finally he says good soil makes good crops, not just good....crops that will yield 30,60 and 100 fold.

I have been all four of these. This looks like a faith staircase to me. When you come to know God, It is easy for you to misunderstand, or not understand the things hes trying to tell you. That gives room for the enemy to come in and destort and destroy. The more you plug away at it and don't give up (keep sowin that seed) the easier it will be to grow with God. It is still easy to not produce fruit. We can be glad that we are finally understanding the message of the kingdom and get all excited and volunteer at the church, and go to all these churchy meetings. But when your best friend dies in a car crash, Its easy to turn to the oh-so-familiar worldly outlets like alcohol, drugs, sex, violence, instead of turning to God for comfort. Even then, we start to grow more, we are in better soil than the path and better soil than the rocks, but we transplant ourselves into the weeds. We want to live two lives, one for church and one for work. Let me tell you about my weeds. This was where I was at with God maybe like 2 weeks ago. I felt like I was starting to produce fruit, had a good foundation, good christian friends, passion to learn, but I was scared to death to tell anyone i didn't know about Jesus. By staying in the weeds, all we do is hide and suffocate. To love the world is to be against Jesus. I had to make several decisions about my life. Hard decisions, decisions that might mean people will think less of me, or not like me, and maybe hate me. But its not about me. Its about Jesus. Its not about Perfection, its about Progress. When It becomes about Jesus and less about me, the way people view me matters less to me. I know and am solid in knowing that Jesus loves me. I know, and am solid in knowing that as long as it stays about Jesus he will use me to produce good fruit 30,60,and maybe, just maybe 100 fold.

The sabbath, the Holy day in the week where no work is to be done, a day of rest. There are so many laws concearning the sabbath in jewish culture sometimes I'm surprised how these people survived for so long(just kidding). You could only eat certain things, only travel a certain distance, could not cook, or prepare your food...it all had to be done the day before.

Jesus and his crew are walkin around on the sabbath, and when they get hungry the pull up some wheat and eat it. This is apparently breaking the sabbath because when the pharisees saw this they freaked out. I imagine them just like a 5 year old tattle tail, oooohooooh, Jesus is preparing food on the sabbath and thats against the rules! Im gonna tell! Jesus is like, chill out, its ok. Then he says in matthew 12:7 "If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent." Thats an intersting statement. God desires mercy not sacrafice. What does that mean?

Lets take a look at Hosea 6:6, the verse that Jesus quotes
in the NIV it says
6 For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.
In an asv bible it says
6For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice,
And in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
In the ESV bible it says
6For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
another translation reads
6For kindness I desired, and not sacrifice, And a knowledge of God above burnt-offerings.
Look past what each of these says into what each one means. They all mean the same thing. God wants us to know him, hes not concearned with sacrafice and burnt offerings. God is not concearned about the sabbath, the law. He would rather be in a relationship with you and break all the laws, then follow all the laws and never know him.

This is a point that the pharisees missed. Frankly, its also is a bit of an embarasment on their behalf. Jesus is saying, If you understand the book that you claim you know so well, you would've seen this. What Jesus does next is awsome. They ask him is it lawful to heal on the sabbath. Ok, picture this. If you have kids, and i dont...but my neice means more to me than anything in this world...this will be easy. Imagine that your 18 son or daughter just got deployed from the airforce. You are a 3 star general, been in battle and won. Your son is flying a mission behind enemy lines and his plane gets shot down. You know hes alive, but suffering. Would you go and get him? Jesus says the same thing here. These are my children, who i love, i will absolutly heal them. So the pharisees dont take that to well and decide to plan his execution.

Jesus knows they're gonna try and kill him so he leaves, shakes the dust off his feet as he goes. On his way out he heals a demon possessed man who couldnt speak or see. The man now speaks and sees and when the crowd starts to ask if he is the messiah, the pharisees lose it and say hes satan and he casts out demons because he commands them all. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Jesus says every kingdom divided cant stand.
"26And if Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand? 27And if I cast out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your sons cast them out? Therefore they will be your judges. 28But if it is by the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you. 29Or how can someone enter a strong man's house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man? Then indeed he may plunder his house. 30Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters. 31Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. 32And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

waoh.
talk about commitment.
If your with me, your with me. If your not with me, your against me. Get serious, get off the fence. poo or get off the pot. Jesus goes on to say, This is not something you can half-ass. A tree that bears good fruit, is a good tree. No good tree bears bad fruit. Think about it like this, in the human body, there are certain acids that are good, they help digest food. And there are certain acids that are bad, they will eat through your flesh. No bad acid can be used for the same purpose as these good acids, they will kill you.
Then Jesus freaks out at the pharisees, "You brood of vipers" How can you call yourselves good, when you are evil?

lets recap real quick.
God cares more about getting to know us than following the law.
God loves us so much, He breaks the sabbath to help us.
God wants us to be commited, whole heartedly.
Its easy to see how Jesus can refer to us as children. God loves us soo much, all of us, everything is his creation. We love our children so much, we would do anything for them.
We would go behind enemy lines and get our son back.
We would get in trouble and break the law.
We would go to prison.
We would.....die.

More on the Mold

Digging back into the other half of matthew 11 we find that Jesus goes on to call his generation a bunch of whining kids. He says16"To what can I compare this generation? They are like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling out to others:
17" 'We played the flute for you,
and you did not dance;
we sang a dirge
and you did not mourn.' "
Its like trying to tell a 5 year old that they are playing a game wrong. "I like it my way better!" or "This is how I play it!" are some responses you might get. Similarly, Jesus says something like this:
Look, you guys have been waiting for a prophet to come and prepare the way for the messiah, Well here he is and you say hes posessed. The Messiah arrives, and you say hes a drunk who likes to break the rules." And all of that generation says, "I'll keep doing it my way!" These people have looked at God inside a mold and made themselves nice religeous cookie cutter lives, with perfect laws, and governments, and people. Jesus is saying to them, I know Im not what you expect but Im here.

Its really easy for us in our time to try and box up Jesus and put him on a shelf so we can go and be sinners. When we're done sinning, come back to the shelf and pull him out of the box and repent. Viscious cycle. I think this is a really easy way for people to frustrate themselves with God. "God why didn't I get that Job?!" or " Why did that happen to me?!" We easily attain these preconcieved notions as to what God does or doesn't do. Its easy for me to be the center of my faith, and have Jesus revolve around me. Im sure anyone out there reading is like "Great, I'm glad you pointed that out, what now?"

Break the cycle. Jesus says " 25 I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children..." Kids dont care about the politics at work, or the social hierarchy that stands between the homeless and the wealthy, or the spiritual hierarchy that can gap a pastor and his church. I remember when I was younger my house was robbed. This guy took everything he could get his hands on, even some bannanas and the steaks in the fridge. I never saw us as poor growing up, but certainly not wealthy, but anyone who gets robbed feels a bit uneasy about the whole process. Anywho, the man was cought a block away breaking into another house. (I told you we weren't wealthy). We were able to get all our stuff back and press charges.

When we went to the police station to gather our now unstolen items, I asked the cop if I could talk to the man who robbed my house. I must have been 6 or 7 years old. I wanted to tell this guy that I forgave him and that Jesus loves him. Well the cop didnt let me in there, he just tried to scare me away by telling me how gross he looked, but i still wanted to go. That is what God reveals to children. Pull back all the social and religious right and wrong of the whole situation. Yes, this man wronged us and deserves justice...But God also wants to let people know that he loves them,unconditionally, and has the capacity to forgive us.

Life off the Fence

Matthew 11
ok
So Jesus just gets done telling people that they are gonna find opposition, they will face trials and persecution. Timely as always John the Baptist sends out his disciples to ask Jesus if he is the messiah. Seems like an odd question at first glance, but keep in mind, Johns in prison about to get his head chopped off. Johns getting a little worried here, I bet he was thinking something like this "I'll my disciples to Jesus so he wont forget I'm about to face the guillotine, and he'll come and save me." Thats what I would think if I were in John's sandals.

I doubt that he expected the reply that he got. Jesus goes on to say 5The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. 6Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."[niv]
Jesus says, " John, I am the christ, and you are going to die." In a less offensive way Jesus says "I know your not comfortable with your current situation, but don't let that deter you." Here is John, counting the days before he dies, getting a message from Jesus saying "your work here is done, go be with the father." I still dont find it very comforting. I cant imagine Johns response to that. I imagine it was something like this : fear mixed with anger, acceptance followed by depression, then peace and extreme joy.

This is a prime example of how God will not fit to the mold that we have for him. God does things that we don't expect or understand not to confuse us, but to help us. This is not an easy example to practice. I have a really hard time living this out. I'd like to put Jesus in a box and define what he can and cant do. I "naturally" keep my churchy friends with my churchy talk and my churchy attitude. But when I walk into the real world, I change gears from churchy, to worldly. When an attempt to merge the two happens to stumble around, I'm met with worldly ridecule for my churchy views. But God has no boudries or definition that we can comprehend. He rules over the churchy and the worldly.

I'm done trying to restrain God.

Another look at Matthew 10

My heart really wasn't into digging into applying MAtthew 10 yesterday. Its been on mind all night. I was trying to think why I was struggling so much with what it said. After thinking about it for a while, it was pretty obvious...I'm afraid to stand up for christ. I may say Im fighting for the unclean christ, but only in my own spiritual growth. I haven't done much to save another soul. I've been hit with a few instances where I could've shared the gospel, last night even. I was talking to a disbatcher of mine, we were outside alone talking about spirituality. Hes an ex(ish) catholic considering wiccan. I froze up. I didnt say anything about Jesus. This was the perfect time and I was worried about my own pride. I was worried that after I told him I believed in Jesus he would laugh at me, and not like me anymore.

I'm a fairly likeable person. I have lots of friends in lots of places, but Im sure most of them would be surprised to find out how much my life has changed in the past few months. But this is work, I have to see these people on a daily basis. Which in normal instance would be a great way to share the gospel. But Im to worried about my own pride and image to say anything. It heavies my heart to know that Jesus could have used me to lead that person to him. It makes me sad. Its all fun and good to talk about fighting for christ, but put it into action....I mean he flat out said the world will hate you. How can i shake the dust off my feet from work? The apostles could flee to the next town if the first didn't recieve the message. Am I suposed to quit my job then? Just go from job to job telling people about Jesus? I think that would last maybe about 6 months before I've exausted the list of fast food joints that would hire me.

Jesus even says [19] do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. [20]For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Talk about faith. I cant even trust that God will give me the words. I guess Im relying too much on myself to lead people to christ. Its not about how many stripes on your "saved soul" jacket sleeve you have, its about telling everybody about Jesus. Not just the people who come up to you and ask, everybody. The guy I work with, the girl who sells me my coffee at 711, my old friend from school....all of em. Thats a scary thought.

And if all that wasn't enough, Jesus says [26]So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Trust in God to give you the words, and don't be afraid. These apostles were going before kings, and government, and the religious leaders of the time. By Jesus saying have no fear its more like "dont worry if they try and kill you, or hurt you, or torture you, or outcast you." And I'm worried about what a friend from work will say?!? Granted he says we are valued by God, but then he says [32]So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, [33]but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.

Have I denied Christ by not saying anything to this guy? I mean, I said I was a spiritual person. Even the paegens are "spiritual people". I basically felt that I had to read up on wicca in order to prove its faults and disprove its spiritual truth. I felt like I had to prove that Jesus is better than wicca. But its not about me, and I held back anyway.

Don't think I'm beating myself up too much about this, Its just a good example to use for TONS of instances where I could have fought for christ, but instead played dead. This is an all or nothing decision. Up to this point, being a wishywashy christian is easy. After this poing begins the real journey. Its a 24/7 kinda thing. I'm not going to be able to take a saturday night off from being a christian and go party with the boys. This is it. Im scared as hell and have no idea where this is going to go. I think thats how the apostles felt as Jesus was saying this to them. I see all of their inner monologue saying, at the same time, something like this........ "Oh CRAP".

An Unclean Christ

So we left off in the middle of chapter 9. Here we find John's disciples coming up to Jesus and asking why Jesus and his disciples don't fast. Jesus says 2 things here, the first is "the reason why your fasting is hear, what you've been waiting for is happening." I love the movie Almost Famous, theres a line in there that goes "Its all happening". Basically Jesus is like "its all happening". The second thing he says is, "and get ready for a change". Its all happening, get ready for the change. I see this whole scenario like a baby shower. Why would you have a baby shower after the babys born? The baby is already here, the point of the shower is to prepare and celebrate the baby. In the same hand, your life instantly changes when a baby is born.

While he was talking a man came to him and asks him to raise his recently deceast daughter from the dead. Jesus is on his way to heal this girl and on the way a woman with a discharge of blood for 12 years came up to him and touched the hem of his garment thinking " If I only touch him I will be healed." When she did this Jesus turned around and said, your faith has served you well, be healed. He goes into the mans house, touches the girls hand and she lives. Jesus then walks out and heals two blind men by touching their eyes and saying according to your faith be healed.

What is the one thing that a bleeding woman, a dead girl, and 2 blind men have in common? These are all people who were ceremonially unclean.(at least the dead girl and the bloody woman, I'm not sure about the blind men) It is likely that no one has touched this woman for the 12 years shes been bleeding. If anyone did touch her, they would become unclean for 7 days and go through the ritual to become clean again. Its also likely that no one has touched this girl since she died for fear of becoming unclean. Jesus touches these people, he becomes unclean, to heal them. To raise a girl from the dead, he will become unclean. To give the blind sight, to heal a bleeding woman, he becomes unclean. Jesus becomes unclean to get close to us, to heal us, to love us.

Try and apply this to today. I see Jesus hanging out with a homeless man. Everyone around is like, "You don't know where he has been. That man has lice, and we might think he has aids" Jesus would say "So what, I will take his lice and his aids for him to be healed. If thats what it takes for him to know I love him." Think about it more personally. Jesus takes my hurts and my inadequecies, and i know that he loves me. For me, Jesus takes my pathological lying, and I know he loves me.

So after that Jesus casts out a demon that makes a man mute and he goes on to say, "look guys, theres lots of work to be done and we need people to stand up and help out."
Chapter 10
Jesus calls the 12 apostles to step up. Soon after that he basically tell them not everyone is going to want to hear what you have to say. It is likely that people will hate you and probably try and kill you, but dont lose heart. I love what he says in verse 14 "And if anyone will not recieve you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave..." Here comes it again, Jesus isnt out there to cram the gospel down peoples throats. He puts it out there and if your interested in the truth, take it.

He then goes on in more depth about being persecuted (its going to rain) and not to lose heart. He says trust God to take care of you, dont fear man, but fear he who can kill your soul and your body.

I love what comes next. Jesus flat out says[34] "Do not think I have come to bring peace on earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword" Heres the big change that Jesus was starting to talk about. Jesus will give all authority on earth to men. This will be a battle, everyday, for the rest of your life. Im getting a bit ahead of myself here, but in matthew 16:18 Jesus says "on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it" We aren't being attacked by hell, We are attacking hell. This is not going to be a peaceful process.

This is also not an easy process. I need to be reminded daily, sometimes hourly, that I'm in the middle of a war. Christ didn't come to bring peace, he came to turn the tide on a losing battle. We have made and continue to make great strides in the gain for ground. We need to be in communion with our brothers and with our savior at all times. This is not an issue to take lightly. This is a war and we need to be well equipped, well trained, and well organized. This is why we cant break off and do our own type of christianity. This is why its not ok just to believe that if your a good person you'll go to heaven. I have seen the enemies camp, its not enticing. I am fighting for the christ who has healed and saved beggers, blind men, and paralytics. I am fighting for the unclean chist.