experience

So got into a rather long conversation the other day with a few fellow believers about very basic things like right and wrong, good and bad, that kind of stuff. The point that I had generally come to throughout my life was that in order for me to have a solid opinion about a certain subject i had to experience that subject. So like tattoos, in order for me to understand what its like to have a tattoo, i feel like i need to get a tattoo. Back in the day, the same standard was held with drugs, to know what its like to get high, might as well try it out, I won't be able to form a valid opinion about it if i never try it. Now I say VALID opinion because I can still form an opinion about doing drugs, but the people who have actually been on drugs know more about it than I would have. Hence, there opinion is more valid. Take war for example, I don't agree with the war in Iraq but an actual war vet could come up with a more valid opinion about the war, they've been to iraq, seen the conditions, know what they've experienced, their opinion is more valid than mine because I've never been there.

So heres the problem with this way of thinking. This safeguards me from any type of criticisms or disagreement because ultimately even if someone disagreed with my point, they couldn't disagree that I had this experience. So now i didn't have to form opinions about anything I hadn't tried. I could just say, I can't give a good statement about this or that because I've never done it. That way no one could ever disagree with me. Why run from disagreement? Because in my crazy head disagreement means they don't like me, disagreement means they're not listening to me, disagreement means they don't understand me. This also turns me into kind of a boring person because there is no way that I could ever experience everything I want to have an opinion about.

Having an opinion about something is really, this is what I think, look inside, come see who I am. Having an opinion about something is vulnerable. It is more than vulnerable, it is saying this is unjustifiably what I think. This is me. Now my problem with this for so long was that there really was no me. I never really cared about whatever was going on around me, I only wanted to hang out with friends. I never cared about what we did, who came with, or any of that, I just cared about being a part of a community. This has been reflected all throughout my life. Every job I've ever had, every ambition I've ever had have not been because I wanted to do them, its been because some one one time said, "hey tommy, you'd be good at sound, ever think about getting into it?"Yeah, 8 years later I still think about getting into it, even when I'm on the other side of it.

Part 2. Keeping this type of thinking, the experience thing, allows me to live my life with no perspective, and with no standard. So I could hang out with the beer drinkers and hell raisers in the bar, and as long as I was accepted, I didn't care what kind of people they were. Or I could hang out with a bunch of pot heads, and not mind that we were breaking the law. But thats no way to live. The unfortunate part about this is that with no standard, no real goals can be set or established. What ambition is there for life? Why not just sit around all day and smoke pot if your doing it with 2 of your closest friends? What else could you ask for right? NO. There is so much more to life.

I'm only recently scratching the surface of this whole issue. But one question that was raised to me was, what are 5 things that you want to do before you die? I took the question seriously and though about it for a long long time, even today I've been thinking and rethinking it. I've never had the opportunity to think for myself what I want to do. But heres what I got so far:
5 things to do before I die

Save at least one persons life- I want to be the direct cause of saving someones life where had I not done what I had done, that person would have died. I'd like to do this at least once, but am open to the idea of multiple occurrences.

Build hospitals and orphanages in 3rd world, or needy countries- There are still so many places in the world where terrible things happen. If I can be the antithesis of terrible things, I would think that building hospitals and orphanages are a part of it.

Compose a symphony- I wanna write music that moves

Write at least one book- I feel like I have a lot to say

Build a machine that produces free energy- I hate global warming, I hate fossil fuels, and I hate all the politics associated with all the above.

This is who I am
Vulnerably Terrified,
me

rochacha

Weekend trip to Rochester went well. Its about a 6 hour ride up there, I did the whole thing in silence. No music, no radio, just thinking. 6 hours up, 6 hours down, and all the time in between. thinking. I think a lot about what is right and what is wrong. I think I get too wrapped up in it. I think up until recently I have never really decided what I thought was right or wrong, I just took little bits from what other people told me was right and wrong. I never really picked it apart before.

Looking into it, I never decided one way or another because that would ultimately mean that I have made a decision based on my opinion and I dont do that very often. I usually make decisions based on what I think other peoples opinions are. Its easier to tailor my opinions to other peoples than to risk other people not liking me because of my opinion. If I dare be myself, then theres more of a chance people won't like that.

It bleeds into personality, I am less me when you are here. I am not who you think I am.

So I thought about it and decided to change that. I want to decide what is right, and act on it. I want to decide what is wrong, and part from it. If you don't like me because of what I think then you never liked me to begin with.

No matter how hard I try I can't shake this like me, love me. We are social creatures in the worst way. Theres no such thing as I don't care. Push it down where no one can see it, bring it up when no ones around. Thats healthy. Its encouraged! Its wrong.

Be more you when I'm around, I care more about you and less about you trying to be what I like. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be around. care. I do. I know you do. Don't tell me you don't. Pull it up, deal with it, its hard but it will make you stronger.

done freaking out

So it took most of the evening and the day today for me to be done being upset. I wouldn't say I'm happy, I'm just no longer upset. I had no real reasons to be upset, that just made me more upset. My reactions to certain events where far out weighed. Kansas was amazing. Coming back to CT and seeing how much people take pride in being jerks aided in my upsetedness. I feel like last night was a big test for me, a big growing pain. I truly feel like I'm shedding off the terrible person I was, I used to be, and blooming into a man who lives for Christ. I want to approach things from a much more calm stance. I don't want to get all upset at the slightest mishap or bruised knee.

I think God allows us to go through that kind of stuff to remind us of grace.
Grace sounds great when you're the person on the receiving end but not so good when you're on the contributing end. Its too easy to become Pharisaical and point out everyones wrongs, but how do you love someone when you disagree with them? How do you help someone when you know they are going down a dark path? I know that when I went through my darkest years people would try and help me and i resented them for it. I don't want to upset people by offering the advice of experience, i want to help them!

So I assume the only thing to do is ignore the sin, love the sinner. That is hard. That means I have to ignore all the wrong things that people around me are doing. I want to point out there wrongs not so that I can feel righteous, but so that i can truly help them. So does that mean I am not to judge what is right and wrong for other people? I guess not. The Holy Spirit will convict them when they are ready. It is my job to love them. It is my job to serve them.

I was reflecting over an event that happened the other night, I have a friend who professes to be gay. This friend was over their partners house and needed a ride home. My friend couldn't find a ride home because no one agreed with their decision to be gay. So I gave my friend a ride home. Isn't that what Jesus would have done? Would Jesus have said, "no you shouldn't see them and you shouldn't be gay, and you shouldn't this or that?" The point is not that my friend is gay, the point is that my friend is going through a hard time and needs people to encourage them, not tell them how to live.

I get caught up a lot in terms of what is right and what is wrong. I understand that it says in the bible not to cause your brother to stumble, but if my brother doesn't tell me that hes stumbling, im not the one to determine that. God is a much better judge than I am.

Now I'm not about to go get drunk with all the freshman on campus because they don't consider it stumbling, but I'm going to do everything I can to help my gay friend. If that means giving them rides back and forth from their partners house than I only pray that God blesses our time together in the car that he might convict her of her decisions. Not that I might convict her of her decisions.

I have done terrible awful things in my life. If there is anyone who should be judged it is me. But it is by the grace of God that I am saved. I have gone through a dark past so that I might be a light to those in dark places.

You're never too far from God.
You're never too sinful for God.
You're never too disgusting for God.
You're never too dirty for God.
You're never too tainted for God.

take it from someone who's been there.
he loves you, even at your worst, more than you will ever know.

post kansas stress syndrome

Haven't posted in here for nearly a month. Its 1:17 am, the past 3 hours have been ridiculously over complicated. I'm more frustrated now as I write this than I have been in a long time. In the past 3 hours I have found out my ipod is busted, tried and failed at rearranging the room only to give up and know that I dont have time to rearrange it again tomorrow, busted my knee on the stupid drawer, cant find anything, everythings a mess, and all i want to do is scream at the top of my lungs string after string of filthy profanity. WHY? will i be comforted after screaming obscenities? no, I'll feel worse. Jesus, i need you to comfort me right now. I feel terrible, sinful, hateful, useless, ignorant, no good, rotten, take my sin away from me now! I'm not done incubating Im not ready to hatch. I want to go back to Kansas, or Arkansas, or California, or anywhere but here. Humble me Lord, allow me to serve in love and kindness. Take the spotlight from me. You said you have called me from the shadows to the forefront, i need help. I cant do this on my own, I cant do this on my strength. HELP! My problems are so small but they get me so upset. God please heal my broken heart. Take the pain that has festered in me. it is black and has infected my soul. Remedy my illness Lord. Take my insecurity. It is a stumbling block for me. Take my pride, it is a wall for me. Take my talents and use them for your will. All that I have is yours. Everything I am is yours. I am desperate. Pull away my lies. Throw them into the fire.

I am empty. I have nothing left. Thats half way there. Half way to being full.

I am a hypocrite. The biggest one of all. Admitting all my lies is telling the truth.

I am no poet. I wish I were. But its an evil wish that only looks for self glorification.

Apart from you Lord, nothing I do is good.

I once was lost
but now am found
was blind
but now i see