Thanksgiving

Technically, Thanksgiving has been over for 38-no, make that 39- minutes. I spent most of the day heavily medicated to lubricate the awkward situation my extended family might find themselves in when they found out I've been incapacitated since late September and won't feel much relief until I'm another year older. I've come to terms with it. I think sometimes I don't really want to get better.

Sick isn't it? Not because people feel obligated to help, or because I don't have to do as many chores...but just special. I find comfort in being special. Its unfortunate that the terms of this specific comfort comes through the dislocation and relocation of my knee caps, but in all honesty I felt like this back in October when I sprained my ankle.

I think its high time I try and get some professional help. I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor on Monday. I'm driving myself absolutely insane trying to figure out who is genuine when they talk to me. Who can I trust that doesn't have an alternative motive behind what they say. Sometimes they don't, but it would be so easy for them to that if I where them I would almost take the opportunity to simply because the opportunity has arisen. To many small things aren't adding up to the big things I'm being told.

However, I am willing to admit there may be an issue with my arithmetic which is why I'm forcing the counselor upon myself. Because what if I'm right. Then things really need to change. I almost hope I'm wrong. And even in the middle of this I can't see the hand of God because I'm playing God in determining the motive behind the players.

Well in that case what do I do? Play the game like everyone else? I don't know the rules to that game, but am willing to learn. I am neither Judge nor Jury. No, those positions are filled and I would only be fooling myself into thinking that I play any part in upholding their integrity in any way. But I want so much to be the hand that strikes them where they stand. Its wrong and I want to be the one to expose them.

Mostly, I suppose, because I have been hurt by them. I wish I really could want good things for enemies. How could Christ hang on a cross and still say your sins are forgiven? How could he go through all that and say they know not what they do.

I suppose that is the love of God.
And in that case I shouldn't pray God judge them, but God show me to love them the way you do. God show me how to love the people who hurt me most. God show me how to love them all.Give me your eyes to view humanity.

all of a sudden my groveling sounds a bit silly and immature. God replace my need for revenge with my ability to love my neighbor, and replace vengeance with brotherhood.

Thank you God, for all that you have done and all that you will do and everything you are currently doing

Vince vs. Jennifer

Just got done watching "the break up". If anyone would like a realistic look into my life 2 years ago, go watch me film. Its scary how close to my life that movie came. It Makes me again realize how far I have come, and how blessed I am by God.

Blessed.
I think I almost feel like I expect God to bless me. Is that wrong? I got this prophecy in May, hit me huge and since then its almost like I expect God to bless me for it. I've kinda been dealing a lot lately with issues of codependence and how I manipulate people to get what I want. Whether it be a high five and a good job, or drinks at the bar, or a ride up to Uconn. I feel terrible for these things, but am I trying to use the same tactics on God? Like he won't know...

The knees need surgery, both of them. They are being ripped out of the socket and pulled toward the outside of my leg. Due to over tense muscles in my quads. It actually springs from my back. My back pulls my hip, pulls my thigh,pulls my knee cap.
hooray for drugs
and goodnight

I hate being sick

sick, ugh...can't breath, head hurts, stuffy nose....whole 9. Guys are such babies when we get sick, all I wanted to do today was sleep. Interesting past few days though. I went to the doctor on friday only to learn that my mri results where sent to the wrong doctor. That was after the 2 hour wait just to see the doctor. He began reading the mri results..."no torn ligaments or tendons, meniscus looks good...but...your knee caps are being pulled off to the sides of your legs." Basically requires surgery but before i could get much more information out of him him promptly stated that I wasn't his patient and that my doctor should have this talk with me. So I now find out wednesday whats going on.

In other random news, I got together with an old ex girlfriend from about 2 years ago. Things ended on a sour note back then and we got together for some closure. Its amazing to see the amount of growth that has happened in me in 2 years. I couldn't believe how selfish and self centered I used to be. I had basically lied to myself for so long to justify every terrible thing I had ever done to people...and there are a bunch. Not only so, but that I had lied to myself about the people I had hurt turning them from good people to terrible people deserving of bad things.

I realized that I have been telling the story of how things ended between her and I incorrectly now for 2 years. I had taken terrible things that I had done to her, and our roommates and turned them around so that they were villain and I was victim. These falsities had become so solid in my head that I couldn't remember what really happened 2 years ago.

It kind of scares me to think that I did that on a regular basis. How many people have I hurt in the past? How many people have I manipulated? Its a long list. I feel the need to go back and right those wrongs. Even if all I can do is a phone call, I feel like I owe it to these people.

Its somewhat of a sobering experience to see the difference in me now. I'm certainly not perfect, but I don't think I would have survived much longer living the way I was.

I don't see any other answer to this question. God was the only thing that turned my life around. Nothing else would have had me realize so gently my mistakes. There is no other way. I've tried most of them. And that is where I can find comfort. In 2 years Christ gave me a new life. A new way to think. What will happen in 5? in 10? in 20?


God only knows.

couple days up at Uconn

I got the news from the doctor Tuesday night. Tuesday was a bit harder than Monday. Monday had its own complications, but Tuesday....ugh. Tuesday started with a funeral, friend of the family, member of the church, poster child for recovery, heart failure. Funerals suck in general, I thought I'd just stick around for the food, because I ran sound for the service...but I had lost my appetite. The rest of Tuesday was spent with my mind getting the best of me. Sometimes I think I'm the most paranoid person in the world.

As I had said earlier, the doctor called Tuesday night. It was a good news / bad news situation. Good news, no torn ligaments or tendons. Bad news, the same "joint problem" in both knees. That statement was promptly followed by a "I'd like to see you as soon as possible" type statement. I asked about work, he dodged the question. I asked if it explains why my knees lock up, or give out, he said "um...yes".

Gotta take the bad with the good I guess.

So I decided, naturally, to go to Uconn for a few days. I connect so much with people up there. Especially Tim, same wavelength type stuff. Regrettably, I didn't get as much time as I had anticipated to spend with him up there. It was a friends birthday and I felt obliged to be with both.

Anyway, I find out tomorrow morning 1045 am whats going on with my knees. Its going to be an interesting next few days.

In the mean time, I think I would like to use this once again as a tool for bible study, and less a tool for complaining. Often, thats all I feel like I'm doing on here if I'm not talking about Jesus. So I think its high time we put an end to this season of drought.

And thats that.

Genius

I get lonely, particularly after watching a rather touching movie, or after seeing young couples or something even slightly romantic. So I do the most terrible things to myself. I go online and I look for a wife. She might not know its her yet, but I'm sure in my state of mind that I'm going to find her on the internet. I start filling out these compatibility tests on like, eharmony or match.com. I'm not too sure if you've ever tried filling out one of these applications, but each one takes about an hour to fill out. Much to my disappointment the end result always comes out with "no compatible matches found, please try again soon". Most people would take that as a clue and just go to sleep, but no not me. I continue my destructive ideas and turn them from online dating sites to facebook, or myspace. I wizened up to myspace and deleted my account last week, so I'm only left with facebook now. Even then, I browse through the people who I have "most in common with" and come up with a girl in an alligator costume bent over blowing kisses to what seems to be a giant bottle of tequila. Usually my search ends there, but some nights I even go out of my way to craigslist, or some other classifieds ad site and post my own personal. Usually I just get slanderous mail back.

I find myself to be the most eccentric person I know. With all of my interests and my personality I find it hard to believe that God has the perfect match for me. I feel more like a fluke than an unfinished half. I am the how did we miss that one, not the I know just who to put you with. With all the battle going on in my head about God's love its hard not to think about romantic love as well. Have I ever been in love? I thought I was....twice. But I can't be sure. There was more sex than love, more codependency than caring, more I'll fix you less you complete me. I'm afraid of becoming another codependent person, or another person who's just fallen in love with love.

Indeed it is a lonely place here in my heart. Neither God nor man dare explore. How does one just get over it? I have a bottle of 20 little easy answers that will leave me unsatisfied.

Satisfaction.
Completion.
Acceptance


love me?

Friday, November 3, 2006

Random thoughts of the day:
I don't want to wake up at 9 am.
Crap I forgot to take off that toenail polish.
He said "The discharge seems to have stopped".
They know me too well at Dunkin.
$8,000 wow, that would be nice.
Manchester.
I wonder if I'll ever go back to work.
I should think more seriously about interning.
I can fix any technological problem.
I haven't picked up a bass guitar in 6 years.
Its a friday night, none of the good movies will be there.
I'm pretty sure the title on that dvd said san fran psycho.
I want to be married.
I think I'll read before I go to bed.

My brick walls are blue

Nothing new to report. The MRI was today. They stick you in a tube. I listened to the nirvana live album that they had in stock at the hospital. I get the results some time next week. I tried being poetic and began writing the first few lines of a poem. My frustration travels quickly and I was easily distracted and ended up deleting it. Hence, My brick walls are blue. Maybe I'll finish it later.

I'm slowly beginning to realize the severity of my circumstance. It is possible that I might not be able to walk for half of my life. Maybe more, maybe less. I dont want to talk about it anymore. I keep bringing it up. I am going insane...no, I think I might already be there.

I have nothing left to give.
I am empty.

Monotony has the best of me

Another day closer to getting the MRI. Tomorrow at 230pm I'll be under a giant magnet thats taking pictures of my knees. The idea of living with a disability isn't too exciting to me. I wish I had something more uplifting to talk about. I hate not being able to do anything about this situation. I can only hope that in my suffering somehow Christ is glorified. For that reason I should be happy, but I am selfish and proud. I hate my pride, I hate my self glorification. I pray that God would make his will clear to me.

I keep thinking about turning my back on Christ. Go back to my life of drinking, drugs, sex, immorality...I know that world. I am a god among men in that world. I do not know how to be humble, or patient. Its a struggle for me to want to be virtuous. I base everything I do off of emotion and feeling, not wisdom or knowledge.

But there is nothing left of that life in me. I said once that before God fills you up, He makes sure your empty. Empty indeed! For more than 30 days I have felt empty. I suppose all that I have left is hope.

Is hope such a bad thing? It seems foolish to hope. It seems unrealistic. But what else is there to hold on to? Certainly not drinking, drugs, nor sex. These are all just short cuts to a short happiness.

Something else to consider, when satan tempted Jesus, all three temptations where shortcuts to Christs calling. He went beyond what satan had asked him to do:
the rocks to bread-Jesus feeds 5000
Jump off the cliff and land safely-Jesus rises from the dead
Bow to me, and the world is yours-Jesus defeats death and takes the world
Satan tries at least 3 times to offer Christ a shortcut to glory.

The only other option I have other than following Christ is death. I'm not taking the shortcut of suicide. So I am only left with one option, grow with Christ, suffer with Christ, learn with Christ. In my abundant frustration I must hope. And if hope sounds foolish, then call me the king of the fools. I don't see anything else to hold on to, and no one can take away my hope.